Honestly since I started writing again and releasing my feelings I’ve felt a lot better. However, I haven’t shared the real story.
This will be long, this will be somewhat blunt. Just a disclaimer.
I suffer from depression.
I haven’t been formally diagnosed but I’ve always known that something wasn’t right with me. I’ve had this sort of dark side to me since I was little. Ever since I can remember I’ve had these intense mood swings that have made me extremely happy and then extremely sad with the change of the wind.
I can remember always feeling lonely and never having friends. This was partially my fault because I push people away as a defense mechanism. I try not to get too close to anyone because I tend to wrap myself up in them completely and when they let me down I turn into this monster needing revenge.
When I look back at my experiences in my childhood and teenage years I was an easy target for teasing and mocking. Though I did everything right I was always the one with the bulls eye on my back. I can remember coming home and crying quietly in my room every single day. I skipped a semester of high school because I couldn’t deal with the torture anymore. So, everyday for the first semester of my junior year I sat in my room. I ate, I watched TV, and stared into space. Everyday it was the same thing. I was terrified of going to school, of being around people. Every morning I would wake up and get dressed and walk out of the door like I was going to school and everyday halfway to the bus stop I would get this overwhelming sense of panic and I would turn round and go back into the house.
I know everyone has moments where they feel like “why me” and they sink into a funk. However, I have spent the better part of twenty-two years feeling this way. Of course my mother thought I was just going through the teenage rebellion thing and I couldn’t be bothered to actually clue her in. It’s hard to talk about this even now because I can’t organize my thoughts.
At any given moment I have to pull myself out of these thoughts and feelings of worthlessness. It’s hard because it is so easy to think about everything that has gone wrong in my life.
- I grew up without a father & when he was around he made it clear that he could be doing something better with his time.
- Not having friends caused me to turn inward and hold everything in like my life depended on it
- Finally being accepted to my dream school but not being able to enjoy it because I was terrified of being around new people. I spent my first semester locked in my room. I would go to class and come home and eat and watch tv in my room.
- When I finally snapped out of this cycle and made some friends it was all ripped away from me because I couldn’t afford to go there anymore. I’ve spent the last almost 2 years trying to get back and it’s been failure after failure. I don’t have anyone to help me and as much as I know my mom means well she brushes my desires off and acts as if they are no big deal.
We won’t even talk about the choices I’ve made in the men I’ve dated. Each relationship I would lose myself in them and most of the time they barely even claimed me. The last guy I was in love with literally went out of his way to make sure everybody knew he wasn’t involved with me. When we were alone he would tell me he loved me and he would do nice things but we rarely went out and when we were in public with his friends he treated me like I was a stranger.I accepted it because I had these feelings of not being good enough. It went on like this for over a year.
- I’m stuck in this rut. I’m unemployed I’m not in school I’m broke. Everyday I scan the internet looking for jobs but I have no luck. Not even fast food places have called me back.
My depression is real and I have finally stopped trying to explain it away. Granted, a big part of this is just my personality because I’m an emotional being anyway but it all came to a head about 5 weeks ago. I was in the lowest moment of my life and I was alienating my friends and I was drinking excessively. I couldn’t wake up without wanting a drink and when I did drink I got so drunk I would throw up. All I wanted to do was eat and drink. Something set me off on October 23rd. It was per usual about a guy and it wasn’t even that big of a deal. It was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I wrote the following e-mails to my friends and family (never mind I deleted them). But they went something like this…
To my mother: I’m sorry that I’ve been the bane of your existence. I haven’t been a good person to you and I know I came to you in a time in your life where you had everything figured out and you were free. I know I’ve only made your life worse by having to take care of a child and even in my adult years I’ve proved to be nothing more than a slob. I know I don’t act like it but I love you with all of my heart and I promise I never meant to do anything to hurt you. You are an amazing person and I regret that I wasn’t able to know you at your prime, before me. I gave you hell and for that I am truly sorry. Hopefully now you’ll be able to live your life freely.
To my family members: I know I’ve always been a pain in the ass. I could always tell that you didn’t want me around. When I was growing up I idolized Nikki & Rocky and when they would torture me or send me away I felt rejected. I loved them so much and wanted to be so much like them that I know that I got on their nerves. I wish you would have liked me more. I wish you would have spent time with me to know that I really am a nice person.
Kids:
Elijah: I regret not being able to watch you grow. You are a handsome young man and you are smarter than I ever was. You’re a beautiful soul and I relate to you in so many ways. I know that you’re depressed too but I hope that you can manage it better than I ever could. I love you.
Kamare: You are the sweetest boy I’ve ever met. You mean well and I’m sorry that you can’t get every single thing you deserve. I see you struggling and trying not to be a bother and I feel you on so many levels. I try my best to do for you but I can’t because I’m a wreck. Please know that your value is priceless and that you will always be a beautiful person. I love everything about you. Please keep growing. I love you.
Damonte: You are the most artistic, funny, and inspirational guy. I know being the middle child isn’t the greatest thing in the world for you but you’re very independent and I love that about you. You rarely get down and you always have something to joke about. I see the passion you have for the tiniest thing and I admire that about you. You are a rock and don’t you ever lose that. I love you.
Chris: You are the comedian. I love it. I know you get looked over because you’re a quiet soul. I see you being loud to get attention, but I see you when you’re quiet. I notice you. You are special to me. I see myself in you more than you know. Your ability to bring a smile to anyone’s face is a gift I wish I had. Please be brilliant. You already are. I hate that I won’t be able to see you grow up because I LOVE YOU dearly.
Jamoni: We’ve always butted heads. You’re the last boy before the girls arrived and you make your presence known with every breath. You’re tortured and I get that. I think we didn’t get along because I saw myself in you. You can’t express yourself so you have these episodes and I totally get it. I’m sorry I never spent more time with you. You are possibly one of the brightest boys I’ve ever met. Please remember that I loved you and that you are special.
Jada: You are the love of my life. Oh my God you are so beautiful. You have no idea how much joy you have brought to me in your 3 years of life. I love you so much you would think I gave birth to you. You always manage to make me happy. When you tell me you love me it is the greatest feeling in the world. your hugs are the most amazing. I have never had someone love me so unconditionally as you have. I know you don’t understand this now but please know that I prayed for a daughter like you. You’re funny and smart and witty. You know just what to say at the right time. You’re so so special to me and I know that everyone else thinks the same. We’re kindred spirits. That’s the only way I can think to explain it. You are always smiling and I have no choice but to smile back at you. I know you will be mad at me for leaving you but please know that I have loved you more than I loved anyone in my life. Our bond is special. I still remember the day they brought you home from the hospital. I couldn’t get enough of you. You were smiling from the moment you knew you could and you always knew me. I was always your number one. You will always be mine.
India: You are the little girl. The little light of my world. You were harder to reach. It was as if you knew that I would love you immediately and so you played with my heart. You would always frown when I came to you. Oh but when you smile at me it is the best part of my day. You’re not even a year old and you have impacted my life in a way I don’t think you’ll ever be able to comprehend. Your personality already is so amazing I have no doubt that you’ll be a wonderful girl. Please know that I love everything about you. I love your eyes, I love your toes I love those two little teeth at the bottom. I just love you. I’m sorry I won’t be there to watch you grow. You are no doubt beautiful.
Friends: To my friends. My true friends. I have been a pain in the ass to deal with and I’m sorry. For those of you who have been there for me through everything please know that I love you with all of my heart. I appreciate everything you have ever done for me. All of the praise and all of the conversations are cherished. Please realize that though you helped me it is more than you could even imagine. Know that you all have played a vital role in my life and I am sorry I couldn’t be better for you. I have already sent you individual messages about how I feel about you all and how I appreciate you. Please be great. Please.
I prayed that God would forgive me. I told Him that I loved him more than life itself and I know that He put me here but that it was too hard. I was tired of crying everyday and feeling down. I was tired. I just wanted to go to sleep. I just wanted it to end. I cried and hoped that He would still love me.
Then I grabbed my mother’s pill bottle of Norco (its a narcotic pain reliever) and a full bottle of Aleve and locked myself in the bathroom. I sat on the floor and cried for a long long time. I opened the bottle of Norco and spilled them into my hands. I was going to do this. It was going to happen. Then my mother knocked on the door because Ashleigh had called her saying I wouldn’t call her back. Tya was blowing my phone up. That light was so annoying. She wouldn’t stop calling me… calling me… calling me. Texting me… calling me. If it hadn’t been for them I would have ended my life on October 23rd, 2010. Because of them I realized that my life is worth living. Tya told me she needed me and she couldn’t live without me. Nobody had ever given me worth like that before. Nobody had ever said those words to me and meant them before. Nobody loved me that much before. Ironically, I failed the attempt because of my thoughts of how I would burden others in my death. My mom didn’t have life insurance for me. That would mean she would have to spend every last dime to her name just to bury me. I couldn’t have her hate me like that. Those are the only reasons that I didn’t go through with it.
Mere moments after I had this overwhelming anxiety. What was I going to do? Why did I almost do that? My life is worth more. I can’t believe I let something so petty send me over the edge. This is really real.
I’ve tried since that day to not slip back into such a state. I pray everyday. Even when I don’t have the words I just recite the Lord’s Prayer over and over again because He knows what I need even if I don’t. Recently I started feeling like I was being attacked (probably just another figment of my depression) and I took it out on my friends. I spent 2 days away from everyone just rethinking and trying to get back on track. I lost an “associate” who I now know really meant me harm. But I almost lost my friends also. A great friend of mine Bee, she’s awesome. She wrote me this long email detailing how she can feel that I’m depressed. She senses an emptiness in me. Her email made me feel like I had been a fool. I couldn’t see the words through my tears because I had done it again. I had pushed the people who really care about me away. I’m glad that she wrote me that email because it opened my eyes to everything once again. She is an amazing person. All of my friends are. I don’t know where I would be without them.
Most days I wish I could have a re-do of life. However, on this day I realize that I wouldn’t have the amazing people in my life that I do if I started over. Things have happened to me for a reason and for a purpose. I don’t yet know what my purpose is but amazingly I am at peace because of it. Years of mistakes and bad habits have brought me to this point. But years of laughter and love and warmth have too. I can’t give up the bad without giving up the good so I’ll just let them both join together to make me stronger. So much more than I can express has gone on in my lifetime but I choose not to dwell on things that I cannot control. I won’t be ashamed of my illness. I will only seek ways to deal with it. I am on the road to acceptance. I am learning to accept every part of myself and to be a better, healthier me.
In an effort to stay on track I created a list of things to keep me moving forward:
1. I will read my Bible for at least 20 minutes a day.
2. I will exercise 6 days a week.
3. I will limit myself to eating out twice a week.
4. I will spend time daily on prayer and meditation.
5. I will strive to be physically, mentally and spiritually healthy.
6. I will do my best to make every action and decision count toward my future.
7. I will be a beacon for positivity and good things.
8. I will look inward for motivation and success.
9. I will better my relationship in Christ.
10. I will under all circumstances be myself and love myself.
I will be me. I will love me. I will like me.
