When dating it’s the hope we find someone who is specifically made for us, the perfect match. We desire to be with ‘The One’ person who can ultimately fulfill us physically, mentally and spiritually. It’s engraved in our DNA and what we see on television, at the movies or what we read in books and magazines.
When you first meet someone things are wonderful. The first time you speak on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, the first kiss, the first time you held hands, the first few dates, the first time you realized you liked the same music and same activities as them, (for most people) the first time you have sex, everything seems wonderful. They are charming, sweet and kind and attentive to your needs. All the way down to your close friends and family really liking that person. They feel like you have you a winner. But we make some huge mistakes placing the title of ‘The One’ to early. It’s because of those mistakes we end up being brokenhearted, embarrassed and dejected because we stayed in the relationship longer than we should. I’m not saying ‘The One’ doesn’t exist. There are wonderful stories of how people fell in love, got married and lived a happy life, but for most that story doesn’t exist for most people. Sadly, it’s because of the pursuit of the ‘happily ever after’, we often miss some things about ‘The One’ we should be able to catch immediately.
In the beginning you are meeting their representative.
When people first meet and date they are on their best behavior. Most people won’t show their true colors in the beginning because they are afraid the person might not like what they see. So they ‘mirror’ the other person’s like and dislikes. For example, one person may like taking walks in the park. The other person might not be as interested in the same thing but will go with the flow to try to impress the person they are with. One person may eat squid once a week but the other person can’t stand the smell or taste of squid. But they will force feed themselves just so they can get another tally in the ‘I’m the person for you’ column. Some people will act like they are ‘The One’ in the beginning just so they can forget about things in their past that they don’t want to come to grips with currently. And the best way to forget is to consume themselves with the one they are with.
There are people who have secrets they might not want discovered. There have been some who hid the fact they had children. Others have hidden having a sexually transmitted disease. Some have hidden they were married. Now those are some real extreme examples but you get the picture. Those facts don’t come out for weeks, sometimes months in a relationship. It could be something as small as the person leaves the toilet seat up or down. Or how they roll their toothpaste bottle. Maybe they are TOO conversational or they don’t converse enough. Or they wear a head wrap to bed at night and you are a ‘hair tugger’. (Don’t laugh, that’s a part of some people’s list of ‘nonnegotiables’.)
The point is, the majority of people WANT to be right for someone. So they will do whatever they can in the beginning to build the foundation even if it’s a foundation of untruths.
Our minds (and our body) plays tricks on us.
Our first inclination when we look at a person is our initial attraction to them. How tall they are, how they look, the bulge in their pants (for the ladies), their hands and feet, their lips, how round their butt looks, how their breasts look in the clothes they are wearing (for the men). They have everything you are looking for in a person. Then you decide to take it to the next level and have sex with the person. For most, the first few times you sleep with the person are the best times you have in the bedroom. Because that person is putting everything into it trying to please their mate. There are some that do things they normally wouldn’t do to fit into the mold of being ‘The One’. The euphoric ecstasy you go through when you are with the person for the first few times takes you to new heights. Then when you settle into the relationship things become monotonous. The things they did previously they don’t do anymore. It’s because they were out of character to begin with.
The smart ones hold back and give you a little bit at a time. Those are the ones who want to maintain a relationship with you. They are confident they will get the job done. Most people will always put everything into it the first few times and then tail off. Don’t allow the first few times you have sex with them be the indicator as to how your sex life is going to be for the rest of your life with that person.
You just got out of a bad relationship.
When you get out of a bad relationship ANYONE could be better than what you had previously. They are the person to save us from our existence. That’s until you find out things about that person you don’t like. Maybe that person had some of the same traits as some of your previous relationships. Maybe that person is standoffish and it’s a trait you previously experienced and didn’t like, but because of the euphoria of that person being better than you had before you don’t see it immediately. Maybe you’ve been in an abusive relationship and that person doesn’t show it right away and when you discover it, it’s too late. Maybe that person has lied to you about numerous of things but you let it go because you’ve already placed the “they are ‘The One’” title on them.
If you’ve been involved in a bad relationship, heal from the previous relationship(s) before you claim someone as ‘The One’. You can’t heal while you are with that person. You can only do it if you are by yourself for a period of time. You’ll find you will be able to make rational decisions rather than hasty ones.
People might not want that title.
Being ‘The One’ is a lofty title to have. It has a finality to it. There is no other. This is it. No one else but you. Some people hear it and get real scared. Maybe they aren’t ready for their single life to end. They may tell you they don’t want anyone else but deep down inside they aren’t ready to shed the life of being able to do what they want without questions being asked. There are some people who can’t deal with the pressure of being ‘The One’. They always feel like they have to be on their P’s and Q’s to make sure they can live up to the title. For some people that title may be too much to handle. Maybe they have a fear of commitment and they haven’t previously shared with you. That isn’t a fear one gets over in a week, or a month, or sometimes ever.
No matter how much you show a person they are ‘The One’ some people may NEVER want to commit to that title. Can you imagine being with someone for months or even years and they STILL haven’t committed to you? That’s not a good feeling to have, but for some, they are willing to wait it out. Why wait when you can have the opportunity to be with someone who can make you happy? Unless you like being committed to the uncommitted.
If it ends badly there are always a lot of questions.
You’ve bragged to your friends about how this person is so wonderful and how you can’t live your life without them. You are living the storybook romance, you do things together, you’re playful, things may be perfect and in sync. You try to give your friends and family tips as to how to make their relationship as wonderful as yours, and then it happens. You break up with the person. Those same family members and friends you were giving tips to are now looking at you funny.
There is whispering behind your back. The friends and family you normally confided in are now looking at you as if you’re crazy. Then there are questions. How did it end? What did they do? How did they hurt you? How could things so perfect end badly (or amicably depending on the situation)? The questions are endless. Instead of healing from the hurt you are going through, the hurt is being revisited day-by-day-by-day. Most people, to save face, will either not talk about the end of their relationship until they get into another relationship prematurely (thus, repeating the cycle) or they will stay in a relationship for too long. They waste their time and energies on someone who doesn’t want to be ‘The One’. Can you imagine being in a relationship with the hopes of things changing and they end up being the same? I’m not saying you should never tell your friends and family how good your relationship is going, but if you claim someone as ‘The One’ they better be ‘The One’.
Until you’ve lived through some adversity periods in your life and that person has lived through those periods with you, ‘The One’ is not a title they deserve. When that person has lived through a point in time in your life where you had no one else to turn to and they were there for you in the way you needed for them to be, then you can start placing titles on them (if they want that title). At least then you’ll know that person is equipped to handle situations with you when you need someone. Until you live through those days (or weeks) of adversity you are still living in the ‘Honeymoon Period’. One can define the ‘Honeymoon Period’ as the time in the beginning of the relationship where couples are more forgiving of one’s faults then at any point of the relationship. Some ‘Honeymoon Periods’ can last months, but a telling sign of a true loving relationship is when you go through trying times with that person. Until that happens ‘The One’ tag shouldn’t be placed on a person prematurely.
Don’t jump to conclusions with their status in your life. Enjoy the time you share with the person. Brace yourself for the trying times, but smile at the good times as well.
