Last Thursday I had a dream about my future husband. I literally know everything about how we will meet and details in our relationship. We have at least one mutual friend, which is how we met. Let’s get into it.

I was somewhere, at some event with a group of friends. Already this is odd because I’m rarely with more than one person, let alone a group. So, as I’m walking over to the table I see him. Either we have yet to meet or he is someone that is not currently in my life. So, this is like we are meeting for the first time. There was an instant connection, and I’m not talking about physically. It was like we fit together perfectly. He smiled at me and I gave him a grin back. It was amazing.

I know of our “first” date and how easy it was. How we talked about everything I’ve never talked about before with anyone on a first date. It was like I knew him. I dreamt of our courtship and the progression of our relationship through time. I saw us ring shopping and I saw us in married life. I totally skipped past the wedding, but that is okay. I’d much rather see how we are after, rather than dream about the significance of one day.

I know that we have a son because I saw myself in our home on the phone talking about him. I know what our bedroom looks like. I know of the daily life. I have no idea when in the future this is because it is like I look the same but I know that I am older, more mature.

I don’t see his face but I know his build, facial features, his personality. I know that he is tall…well, as he relates to me. I KNOW him, but I don’t. I hear his voice and our conversation. I know how we are together and how our love is. So anyway, that was the first dream.

So in this latest dream about my future husband I dreamt of the struggle of the relationship before marriage. The lonely nights and mistrust due to secrets. The internal fights and arguments with myself and my wondering what will be. I dreamt of the make up, of the love. Finally, I dreamt of the wedding.

It was like my reward for being faithful. For staying true to the message of love.

It was late summer at night and we were on some estate. There was a big tent connected to the building and sort of a sheer curtain that separated me from the guests and him.

I had on a white dress. And there was something significant about the purple crushed tulle sash around my waste because it was mentioned a lot. Somebody’s mother (wasn’t mine) was all excited about it. Each of my brides maids were wearing a version of it. Some had it fashioned as a cape..another like a bow in the back. Mine was tied to the side and sort of flowed and mingled with the rest of my dress.

My hair was up into a bun. Some kind of twist style that held as an anchor for my veil. I didn’t have a lot of makeup on because nothing irritates me more than crying the ugly cry with makeup running.

It’s funny because I’m still myself even in my dreams. As everyone was going down the aisle before me I was trying to help them with their dresses. When it was time for my maid of honor to go, I was fussing with her train and she kinda cussed me out a bit and we actually sat down on the steps leading into the tent being stubborn.

People were looking back, wondering what was going on. We sat there for a while and then looked at each other and laughed. We got up and the curtain parted for her as she walked in….and then she was gone. As the flower girl was walking down I got a rush of nervousness. I wondered if this was right and if he was right.

But then, like the cliches that I believe in, At Last started playing in the background, and I knew.

The curtain parted slowly as I walked down the stairs praying I didn’t fall. The videographer was there somewhere because I had seen him filming the others walking… but he disappeared. The audience was gone. It was just he and I. I guess I was walking too fast to get to him because lol they made me back up and start over.

Then I realized he was singing to me. It was At Last but it wasn’t. He had written something for me and he came to meet me where I stood. As we were walking together, I can only remember complete bliss. This was him, I was sure of it.

It meant the world that he knew that I was feeling a way about my father not being present to walk with me. For him to refuse all tradition and to come see about me symbolizes the type of bond we shared. I said nothing, I just smiled. I saw the happiness and love on my face and his smile drew me in.

I can’t remember the exact words that he was singing. What stuck out was “I will never leave you.” I can’t really explain the meaning of why I can only remember those words and why they had such an impact on me but ..they are there.

I still can’t see his face and the wedding was interrupted by my return to the present, but I know that it is real. I know that he is on his way.

He will be here.

I would like to discuss the women today. If there is a woman reading this that considers themselves flawless (mind body and spirit), please comment and tell me how you’ve come to be so perfect.

It’s sad to see how we treat each other and point out another woman’s imperfections and insecurities to feel better about our own. Bottom line is we all have them so why talk about someone else’s when you probably have about twice as many and 5-10 people talking about them (5-10 sounded good to me).

I will be honest… I get real offended when other women call me skinny and talk about my eating habits (as if I don’t eat). If you knew me you would know that I can eat and I do it with the intention to gain ten pounds. I know some people are reading this and may be thinking *beep* please you trying to gain and I’m trying to lose. Like I said we all have our insecurities.

One thing I come to love about me is the gap in my teeth and how it makes me different. There is nothing you can say that I haven’t heard before in my 29 years on earth about my diastema (the correct term). My father and other family members on his side have it and there is nothing anyone can say to make me go to a dentist to change it. It wasn’t always like that but it took my mom reinforcing that I was beautiful and realizing God made me this way.

Once I stopped looking in the mirror at what I thought were flaws and recognizing the beauty that was always there I became deaf to the negative hurtful comments I heard in the past.

No one is ugly and I’ve felt this way since I was little. They may not be attractive to you (you may not be attractive to some) but someone finds them (and you) beautiful. Don’t waste time stealing people’s joy, take the time to bring the joy out of them and make them smile. You never know what hard times they’re facing.

Tell someone they’re beautiful flaws and all!

I must be a glutton for punishment.

It seems when it comes to relationships I either enjoy pushing people away or just have no idea what the hell I am doing. I have had a few chances with great guys but either push too hard or don’t push enough. Where the hell is the balance? It would be nice if I could manage this better. After a lot of years of dating I seem to not be any better at it than when I was fourteen starting out. Exactly how the hell do you accomplish a successful relationship with someone? Personality clashes always get in the way it seems.

I see very few relationships that are long lasting. I ask myself how the hell did the older generations manage to stay together and make it work? Were they happy or was it because divorce back then was taboo and looked down on so they stayed with their partner so they wouldn’t have to feel the shame others would cast on them.

It’s weird that back then, people cared so much about what other people thought. Now, divorce is at an ultimate high. I wonder when people will figure out that marriage was once something so beautiful and cherished and now, in my opinion, it’s a joke. You marry and then instead of working out your differences you say screw it and divorce. Think of how much money and time has been spent on one’s relationships. It’s so scary to think what the divorce rate will be in ten years or even twenty.

They say my generation will have it the hardest in America because there is no money. We aren’t buying houses, we aren’t getting married and having kids. We are just trying to be able to survive and try to live happy with such a bad economy.

I have made the mistakes of paying for everything and having my partner pay for nothing. I made the mistake of trusting too much or not enough. Also made the mistake of judging someone before I know them because I am so weary of men and their intentions. Men these days are only looking for sex at least it has been in my experience. Which is fine and dandy when you are in your early twenties but once you are in your mid twenties to early thirties I think it is time to look at yourself and see why you can not commit.

I told my friend the other day that we are picking the same type of men thinking that they are our “type” but if they were wouldn’t, at least one of them have lasted? It seems that women especially need to re-evaluate what type of man you are looking for, because if you are constantly hitting a wall with your “usual” type than maybe your type isn’t really your type. Of course you can not help who you are attracted too and who you aren’t but eventually you have to say to yourself if the same type of guy you are always going for isn’t working maybe its not the men you are picking maybe just maybe it is you?

I am a hopeless romantic. When President and First Lady Obama went to the White House, I was overjoyed. Obviously, for his historic accomplishment, but also for the fact that Black Love would be seen in a positive light. Finally, the world would see how deeply, tenderly and completely we love. The world would have to open its eyes and be forced to acknowledge our positive love. I went to sleep happy and woke up irritated. The world didn’t want to change its opinion, so, it made the situation fit the opinion. It seemed as if the media wanted all to believe that only affluent Black couples and families showed positive love.

I was in total disagreement. I came from a less than affluent background and I saw love every single day from my parents. So I went in search of modern day Black Love. I was surrounded by so many examples. One particular show of love touched my heart and has stayed with me.

I was out having dinner with friends. During the course of our meal a black gentleman walks in the restaurant. He is seated and tells the hostess he has four more joining him. He’s dressed in an untucked polo shirt, baggy jeans, boots and a ball cap. My dining companions frowned and looked him in disapproval. They called him a thug. I on the other hand saw something totally different. I saw a gentleman. After issuing my friends a few choice words I went back to observing him. I noticed when his server approached he removed his hat and treated her with respect. He looked tired, but he never took his eyes off the entrance. About ten minutes later the rest of his party arrives…. his wife, two daughters, and son. He rises from his seat and stands beside the table as they approach.When his wife appraoches he kisses her on the lips, kisses his daughters and sons on the cheeks and gives them big hugs. In that moment all traces of fatigue vanished. He was all smiles and so was his family. He pulled out the chair for his wife and his son followed his example and pulled out the chairs for his sisters. He and his wife held hands and asked each child about their day. When their meals arrived they bowed their heads and he lead them in saying grace.

All I could was smile. Here was Black Love in action. Just normal every day people showing love. Positive Black Love has nothing to do with money, position or celebrity. The media can’t destroy it. It can’t be ignored. Black Love is bold, tender, strong, caring, and enduring. Black Love is simply love.

I had my first boyfriend when I was 16.  I lived in an interracial world and had an interracial relationship.  Everything was going good and then one day we had the conversation about where we were going sexually.  He absolutely thought everything other teens were doing was completely disrespectful.  I thought he was crazy and so did my good friend, Tyler.  While I never did anything too far our of the box (I was ONLY 16!) I did spend a considerable amount of time hugged up and kissed up on this other dude.  I felt like I was a teen and was allowed those indiscretions.

Fast forward to college and I was having a good time.  When I got my first college boyfriend, I tried to be faithful but that police officer with the bald head looked good and my boyfriend lived 4 hours away.  I figured why not!?  I don’t think he ever figured it out and I never really felt bad.  Reality stung with my next love though because he cheated pretty much everyday for our entire relationship.  When I caught on, I went right out and found myself someone else to kick it with… Not just one someone else, but several and I am pretty sure I never felt bad about it.

When I finally got it out of my system, I’d met someone who I was pretty sure I’d marry.  I would go out and hang out with people but never looked at another man with THAT thought.  I was proud of myself and continued pushing forward with being the faithful lady.  I’m not sure what about me he changed but I know I’ve never really wanted to have multiple partners again (not that I ever really did, but I’m certain now).

I always hear people saying that once a person is a cheater, they are always a cheater.  Based on my experience, I have to definitely disagree.  Even with my current partner, things haven’t always been rosy but I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to willingly be with someone else.  I do think that people make mistakes and they are genuinely sorry.  I also think when you find someone you are genuinely in love with you won’t want to have anything or anyone extra in the mix.  You want to be sharing yourself with them and only them.

At the end of the day, I’m happy where I am.  Thankfully, I’m totally comfortable with sharing myself with my current beau and now,  I’m wise enough to know that I can check a man out… have a fantasy and go right home and fulfill my cravings for something different.

Many of us have already asked and answered that question.  Our children are our most precious gift.  We are always working hard to give them more than what we had when we were growing up.  For some, that may include a stable, happy, two-parent household.  Society tells us that’s what it takes to raise, happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. Ultimately each situation is different and you have to follow your heart and what you think works best for you.  I just want to offer you a couple of things to think about…

Children Hear What You Don’t Say

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in putting children in the middle of grown folks business.  I believe that there is the truth, and there is a version of the truth that is appropriate for children.  What do I mean by that? Lil’ man doesn’t need to know that the reason he has to stay at grandma’s house four nights a week is because the grocery budget is constantly being used to support his mama’s drug addiction.  Baby girl, doesn’t need to know that papa was a rolling stone and she is no longer the baby in the family.  Some things are not meant for children.

That being said, you don’t have to always verbally tell children that their parents relationship is not working out.  They pick up on the body language and silent ques. They may never say anything out of respect for you or just based on the way they were raised, but don’t be fooled into thinking your fooling them.

As a child I remember hearing my parents arguing in their bedroom when they thought we were asleep (and let me just say that even when we didn’t understand the words, we recognized the tone).  I remember doors being slammed and looks being exchanged when they thought we weren’t looking.  I recall my father being gone for days at a time, but not even minding because it was much more peaceful without him there. My mother smiled more, we played games, and she was fun to be around when there was no tension in the air.

If you learn nothing else from this article then realize that kids see a lot more than you think they do.  If asked, most kids would rather have two happy parents that live apart, rather than two unhappy ones together.  Loving is a two-way street.  Your kids care about you as much as you do about them. Think about what advice you would give them if they were in the same boat, would you ask them to stay somewhere they were unhappy?

You Could Start To Resent the Children

I know you love them.  They may be the only people that you can truly have unconditional love for.  But when you repeatedly put your needs aside for someone else, you take a risk that after a while, you may start to resent them, and if not them, then definitely the situation.  And truth be told it’s a no-win situation.  Either you can make yourself happy, or you can make them happy.

Getting Past the Guilt

If your leaning toward making yourself happy, know that you will feel guilty about that decision. It’s not easy to put yourself first.  I have a friend who recently made a decision to separate from her husband and get a divorce.  They dated for six years, and were married for 11 years after that.  I thought they were “That Couple”. You know the one that liked each other enough to still be having hot sex four times a week.  They handled conflict like rational adults.  They took vacations as a family and alone together.  It wasn’t all easy, but they made it work.

She didn’t leave right away.  They lived together for a long time, but they went days walking past each other, not talking.  Not only did they stop making love in the bedroom, but they also stopped holding hands, kissing, and generally being affectionate in front of the children like they use to.  We would talk on the phone, and without her even saying anything, I could tell when he came into the house, or into the same room as her.  Tension radiates.

She told me they had grown apart years ago, but she always felt guilty when she thought about leaving.  She didn’t feel like it was fair to make her children pay for her unhappiness. She wasn’t being abused.  Nobody was cheating.  She didn’t feel like her life was bad enough that she could justify separating the children from their father, moving them away from their friends, and possibly changing schools.  She chose this man, she decided to have children, and she picked this life.

She didn’t feel like she deserved to be happy.  She had to work on that.  Six months after moving out the difference with her and the children is noticeable.  The children blatantly say they don’t want their parents to get back together because they see that their mom is much happier now.  In an emergency situation they will always tell you to save yourself first. You can’t do anything for your babies if you stop breathing or you’re drowning.  YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

Be the Example

I believe that all children deserve to have both parents in their lives, but that doesn’t mean that the parents need to be together.  If you can make it work, then make it work, but if you get to the point where your unhappiness is clearly visible, you need to rethink that decision.  When a family breaks up it is stressful on everyone.  However, it’s not necessarily the divorce or breakup that is the most damaging.  Instead, the damage comes from constant arguments, a lack of respect toward the other parent, limited communication, custody battles, and putting children in the middle.

Does staying for the children ever work?  Sometimes. But the best way to answer that question is to consider what kind of example are you setting, and what kind of relationship do you want them to grow up and have?  When you get that answer, you will also have the answer to your question.  I don’t want my daughter to be in a relationship where he talks to/ treats her any kind of way and she thinks that’s okay because I let her dad treat me that way.  Same thing goes for my son, I don’t want him to be the type of man that will talk or behave any kind of way with a woman because that was kind of example he had growing up.

There doesn’t have to be cheating or abuse.  You are your child’s primary role model.  You may be able to “get along” with your spouse or significant other, but would you be happy if your son or daughter was in a relationship where they just “got along”?  Or would you want them to have a relationship where they were loved and truly happy?  I said in the beginning that ultimately the choice was up to you, and it is.  Live the life you want for your children, because chances are that 20 years from now, they will probably be living the example you set.

**EDITOR NOTE: We often read different posts on the Internet that might catch our eye. This Editor’s Pick comes from Wendee Glover Richmond. This story is about… forgiveness. Enjoy…

Well, another year has come upon me, and it just doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. September 28, 2002. I had (under protest; LONG story!) been part of a family caravan of 3 cars, heading to El Cajon, California from Phoenix. It had taken almost three weeks for my family to convince me to even go, and now, at 3 AM, small children in my back seat, I’m heading down the I-10 to El Cajon.

We get there just as the sun is coming up, and I’m filled with trepidation. Instead of going to the hotel to check in, we head straight to the hospital, where my oldest sister and three of her kids have been more or less camping out. I sit in the waiting room, as family members file in and out of room 217, and I think to myself, “I said I’d come; I NEVER said I’d go into the room!” My beloved Daddy approached me, and asked me to walk with him, just as my Aunt Pat and her family arrive. It has become a mini family reunion, but instead of happiness to see my favorite Aunt, there was so much other stuff going on inside me.

I walk to the bank of elevators with Daddy, and he asks me why I won’t go into the room. I just looked at him, as no words would come, with the saddest eyes he said he’s ever seen. He told me when I looked at him like that, he felt convicted to his very soul, and it was all he could do to not cry. With tears forming, I just shook my head, and finally able to speak, I told him that it just didn’t matter anymore. We talked for about 20 minutes, Daddy told me that for my OWN sake and for my children’s, I had to go in and let it go; finish this so that the anger and bitterness could subside, and my spirit could finally, FINALLY be free.

I finally gave in, and went into the room. She was just lying there; a mere shell of the robust woman of times past. She looked at me, and smiled weakly. Comforted somewhat by her smile, I went in and sat down. There were no words spoken for the longest time; we just sat there, looking at one another. I eventually broke the silence by asking her if she was okay; did she need anything, and she said no. More silence followed, and when I thought she’d fallen asleep, I heard her softly say, “Tell me about yourself”. Thinking she was confused I asked her what she wanted to know, and she replied, “Everything”. I told her my name, and where I lived; I talked to her about school, work, and the house we were having built, even showing her the floor plan. I watched her face and she looked quite engaged with this conversation. I told her about my kids and she smiled at their accomplishments, and asked me if I was proud of them.

What I hadn’t realized was during this entire time, it was just she and I; no one else tried to enter the room- nurses, doctors, family- no one. I was a little afraid at first, recalling all the years of abuse at her hands, but Daddy felt that we needed this time, and would allow no one to interrupt it. My now ex-husband came into the room after an hour, saying it was time to go because we needed to feed the kids and settle them in at the hotel. Everyone else was leaving that night, but we were staying, and I was coming back to the hospital in the morning.

Right after I walked into the hospital room that next morning, my Aunt and Uncle came in with an enormous teddy bear, and when she saw it, there was instant light in that great big smile! Seeing that tugged a little at my heartstrings because I hadn’t seen that smile in quite a while. Later, we had some more alone time, and she asked me about my plans.. I gave her a brief overview of the previous day’s conversation, and she just nodded. She stared at me rather intently for a few minutes, which made me more than a little uncomfortable, and she said, “you look like me; I never noticed that before”. I just sat there, saying nothing, and again my ex-husband came in and said it was time to go. He chatted with her for a few minutes, and they even shared a watermelon slice that she offered him. He said “good- bye” and walked out, leaving us alone again. I smiled at her, said I’d see her soon, and headed for the door. With strength I didn’t know she had, she reached out and grabbed my arm, causing me to involuntarily flinch. I saw a brief flicker of guilt and pain in her eyes, but recovering quickly, she said, “I’m very proud of you!” I walked out of that room in tears, and a jumble of emotions.

As we got back into our cars, and headed toward home, the events of the past two days finally caught up with me. I called my ex, who was driving behind me with the older kids, and told him that I needed to stop. We pulled into a gas station, and I was just a sobbing mess. He asked what was wrong, and I told him I would never see her alive again, to which he said, “no; we’re coming back next weekend, remember?” The doctor had told us she probably had another month, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that she had done what she needed to do, and was ready to go..

October 5, 2002, I woke up with a feeling of dread. I had gotten a call the night before while I was working that she was being released; all therapies and treatments were to be ceased. I couldn’t relax; I was stressed, and finally, just physically and mentally exhausted. I lay down on my bed, trying to rein in all these feelings, when my cell phone rang. It was my middle sister, and all she said was, “she’s gone”. My immediate response was to her was, “what do we do now?” After the call, I walked out of my house, and just kept walking… and thinking. I was happy her suffering had ended; I was angry for all the wasted years; I was relieved that she had done what she needed to do; and I was just hurt beyond measure and simply couldn’t even cry anymore. And to top it off, my birthday was in 2 days, and I was in no mood to acknowledge, let alone celebrate it.

It has taken me 8 years to reconcile those events, but it doesn’t hurt any less. As I approach another birthday, those hurt feelings and sadness have just come flooding back. For years, I couldn’t, or rather wouldn’t, cry; I was always the “strong one”; had to hold it together. Last year was the first time I really let the tears flow in earnest. I’m better now, but do the tears, long suppressed, but now wanting to flow like a faucet, ever stop? Rest in peace, Mom; I hope I’m still making you proud!

Children are the biggest blessings ever to grace the face of the earth. That seems to be a rather big and bold statement but one that I heavily believe, not because I’m a mother, myself, but because the very innocence of a child even causes us, as adults, to reminisce on the times when we were once young and had not a care in the world. Every day was an experience, from learning to share your toys to figuring out what foods you liked and didn’t like and wouldn’t even dare to try. But the greatest joy about a child, and probably one of the most mysterious, to me, is their ability to recognize pain in someone and their ability to make the person feel better with the simplest forms of affection: a smile and a hug.

My son, currently three years-old, surprises me every day with his comedic antics. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t have me in stitches over the silliest of things. He is the most random child I have ever come across, and he probably gets that from me and his aunt. The other day, as I was brushing my teeth and letting him play while I was getting myself together; he walked into the bathroom and began to summon me.

“Mami, look at me!” he said.

“Shmph,” I replied, mouth occupied with a toothbrush. He seemed to understand my garbled “hold on, baby” because he stood patiently and waited. As I rinsed out my mouth, I turned to wipe my face, saying, “what is it, baby?” before turning to look at him. There he stood, smiling and pulling at the outside corners of his eyes to make them slanted.

“Look, Mami, I’m from CHINA!” he exclaimed with a big grin. I gave him my infamous “blank stare” before doubling over in hysterics. I don’t even recall talking to him about China, which made it all the more hilarious to me. Another time, after his bath-time, I was drying him off while he was singing some made-up song. He abruptly paused in his singing to ask, “Mami, am I handsome?” Did I forget to mention that he’s slightly conceited? Again, he gets that from me and his aunt. Shame on us.

“Of course, baby, Mami thinks you’re VERY handsome. A handsome little boy!” I replied, kissing him on the cheek. He looked at me, gave me a hardcore frown, and, from out of the mouth of my little babe, said, “Mami! I’m not a boy, I’m a MAN!” I guess he told me.

But there are no happy times without the sad times and here is where I find that children in every capacity are God-sent little angels. I tend to have my moments where I am just over being stressed in life. If it’s not one thing, it’s another, and there are moments when giving up sounds like the best option possible. During those times or even if it’s just a fleeting thought of worry in my mind, my son finds a way to brighten up my day.

The other day, for some reason, I was just feeling sad without a concrete reason as to why I was feeling that way. I went to bed late and tossed and turned the entire night. Well, at some point during the night, I’ll say roughly about 3am or 4am, I had just woken myself up with my tossing and turning and was just laying in bed staring into the darkness. I heard my son moving around in his bed and then watched him sit up in it. Thinking he’s just readjusting, I paid him no mind… Until I saw him getting out of his bed and came climbing up into mine. I said nothing to him as he moved my covers and I scooted over to make room for him. Instead of sharing my pillow, though, he opted to rest his head on my chest and hug me and, as he fell back asleep, I heard him softly whisper, “I love you, mami.” That brought tears to my eyes, to know that my child sensed my instability somehow, woke up, and came to give me just what I needed. I cried myself to sleep that night, not because I was still sad, but because I felt so happy to have him there, to have him in my life.

On numerous occasions, my son, my precocious little 3 year old, has surprised and even shocked me by his abilities to know what I need right when I need it. There have been times when I’ll be washing dishes and crying silently so that he wouldn’t see and somehow, some way, he’d sense it, walk right over to me, and just hug me without a word. When he was younger and I had just moved back home after going through a rough situation, I would be in church feeling heavy-hearted and on the verge of shedding a tear. He would want me to pick him during certain times during the service and every time I did so, he’d lay his head on my shoulder and rub my back, telling me, “It’s okay, mami, don’t cry…”

Out of the mouths of babes…

I heard and seen many children do this with not just their parent(s) but with others that they may know who they come in contact with frequently. People think that children are “too young to know any better” and, in some instances, that may be very true. But when it comes to being compassionate, empathetic, and showing unconditional love, children have it, hands down. No matter how I may be feeling, whether I’m sad, happy, angry, or just in a blah state of mind, I always look to my son, the 3 year old, to put an even bigger smile on my face. Adults look to other adults for consolation, which, in most cases, is appropriate… But I say, look to children first. Let THEIR light perpetual shine upon you…

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

“That’s not his son”.

That was the phrase my honey’s sister uttered as he walked through the door of the restaurant.  I looked at her and raised my eyebrow wondering why she would lie.  I mean this kid sort of looks like him and he was at dinner and hey, it made sense for a dad to bring his son out to dinner, right?

The kid was very well mannered, kind and soft spoken.  I appreciated that, while he had on jeans he still had on a tie and was able to carry on a decent conversation.  He was impressive to say the least and because of this, I was rather taken with the man he came to dinner with.

When I got the digits (score!) and had the perfect first convo (yay!) I found out that this little boy truly wasn’t his son.  He’s mentoring.  A young black man who made a way for himself is teaching a boy how to be a man.  With the rate of single parents on the rise, I often wonder what will become of the children who don’t have fathers/mothers in their lives.  Because of this, just the month before, I went to a local center to inquire about mentoring myself.  I never followed through with it because when I started dating this guy, I realized I was sort of dating his mentee as well.

To be honest, I kind of felt like I was with a single father and I needed to get the approval of his precocious preteen son.  Think about it, here I am a twenty-three year old woman sitting across the table with a twelve-year old staring at my boobs.  Can you say awkward?

As time went on, he became more comfortable with me.  He relaxed and I relaxed.  We took him to lots of things we did.  The park, family events, and to take Christmas pictures became staples.  Once or twice someone even told us we were a gorgeous family and complimented me on my son and how sweet he was.  Surprisingly, it never bothered me.  One day, I woke up and found that while I am NOT old enough to be this child’s mother, I definitely care about him in that way.

He’s started high school this year and I have to say, I’m proud of him.  I want him to succeed and while he doesn’t always listen to the advice his mentor gives him, I can see a bright future for him.  I will say it amazes me that each of us can say the exact same thing but my mellowed voice and calmer tone can get the point across.  I am still impressed at the caliber of child this is and how he can relate to what he is told.

Looking back on all the time I have had to spend with this child, I have come to the realization that I wouldn’t change the time I have had with him for the world.  He has enhanced my knowledge of the person I have chosen to share my life with because in this, I have learned what he will be like as a father.  I have listened to gentle advice and kind words.  I have a strong understanding of the disciplinarian that exists within him and how those things played a part in shaping the man I have.  I wouldn’t give up my bonus child and the lessons that have come for anything in the world.  I’m happy to have that blessing and I hope others would value the chance to change a child’s life just as much!

Dear _____________,

We have been married for many years. I have tried to talk to you on several occasions about not growing and accomplishing anything together. I am so tired of talking because no matter what I say, it doesn’t change anything. You are not only neglecting the household, you are neglecting yourself. You don’t take your medicine, work out or do anything to keep yourself in good health. You don’t fix anything around the house nor will you hire anyone to do it. We will never be able to purchase a house together because you do not pay the bills consistently, yet you refuse to turn them over to me and allow me to pay them. Good credit is the key to success!

We don’t do anything anymore. You come home from work, eat, hit the couch and that’s it! That’s not living to me. We are basically roommates and you seem to be content with that. We are still young but I feel like an old woman being with you. You are not lifting me up, you are bringing me down. You are not helping me you are hindering me. You are not a role model to our kids. You have no ambitions and no goals. There is nothing to look forward to with you therefore I cannot waste anymore of my time with you. Life is too short. I have given you too many years and chances yet you refuse to even try to make things right. I am so tired of being married yet I am living and feeling like I’m single. You see your friends moving up and accomplishing their life goals. You sit around them talking like you are in just as good a position as they are when in fact you are not. Your finances are out of whack, your health is out of whack and our sex life has been out of whack for some time now so there is really no need for us to be together. You are content with living the way you’re living however I’m not.

I have outgrown you.

I have goals I have set and will reach so I have to get rid of the extra weight which is you! Don’t act like you have never heard any of this for I have said it, preached it, wrote it. A few years have gone by and there are still no changes! Time is not waiting on anybody and I don’t have any more time to waste waiting on you because you are content with having nothing and being nothing. There is and has been nothing to look forward to with you for quite some time now.

What and why am I holding on? I think the only way you will get yourself together is with your crutch out of the way, me! You wouldn’t do it with or for me so maybe you can do it without me. I am not in love with you anymore and have not been for quite some time now, however, I do care about your well being and I do not wish anything bad on you. I pray that you turn your life around and see things for what they really are so that you can be the kind of father your kids need and look up to. It use to be great but now it’s too late. Time has run out for us. You are more than welcome and I encourage you to please see and stay in contact with the kids. As far as you and I? It’s over, Sweetie. Since you couldn’t make changes for me or yourself please do it for your kids! Take care and do what you need to do. I wish you nothing but the best! Have a nice life!

Sincerely,