A couple of months ago I wrote about how vicious other women can be towards women. I have seen a lot of crazy things in my life with regards to women bashing other women and (to me) it is getting a little ridiculous. Especially since women are making more money than ever now and are holding the jobs that most men used to hold. How can we change how women act towards others in the corporate world?

I am a quiet girl by nature. If I don’t know you, I am not the type to come up to you and start a conversation. Call it shy or bashful or whatever you want but if I do know you, I am not one to mince words. Because of how I am most think I am a bitch. Which is not the case I am hard on people because I think the truth is better than me sugar coating something to make you feel better when you are screwing up or when you are doing something you know will end badly I am not one to NOT to say something to you. I figure it is saving me time so I don’t have to hear about in a few months when that problem you are having blows up in your face. But as my friends will attest to I am the first person most call when they need something and I am always there for them and for others I rarely know.

So because of people having the wrong impression of me I am called a bitch more often than not. And It gets annoying just because I speak the truth or don’t come up to you to start a conversation when I don’t know you shouldn’t mean I am a bitch. So the saga continues because most girls like me get called names because we aren’t a bubbly personality. I am a strong personality love me or hate me but if you want the truth then come to me. I have always been very upfront and in your face I can’t change that about myself. I do tone it down for the people who don’t know me well but for those that do they know what you see is what you get I am not fake and can’t bullshit very well.

I would rather be called a bitch for speaking the truth than to be called a liar. So I guess its all good in my eyes. Not everyone will like each other and that is fine but to pass judgement on someone you do not know is immature and shows your personality and not in a good way. I rarely pass judgement on others because I know people looking at me do not see my struggle of a life and I will not see theirs just by looking at them. So if you can next time you see someone who looks like a bitch (in your eyes) be kind because you don’t know their battle they are fighting within and they don’t need anymore drama in theirs lives and why would you want to cause drama in someone’s life when you can’t control your own drama in your life?

Everyone wears mask and costumes disguising who they really are. It’s one thing to have your guard up but it’s quite another to front like you’re someone you’re not.

So my question to the readers and lovers is this. Why lie? Why be fake phony and front? When I ask questions like this I do look at the woman in the mirror. I tried out for a role, got the part but couldn’t play it well, so I will never front like I’m someone I’m not ever again! I may not have the latest Chrissy Lous but they are Chrissy’s shoes and I make them look good! I’ve also been looked at as someone I’m not and this is something I deal with and it can become rather tiring.

As a single woman pushing 30, I’m coming across a lot of men that aren’t being as real as I want them to be, but it makes me feel good about not rushing into things. Here’s an example:

I told this guy in so many ways that I wasn’t interested and he responds “Well do you know any hot guys to hook up with, because I like guys too” Truth!

Now I’ve talked this over with my girls and we were all freaked out like what the heck what if I would have been interested in this guy and this was something he had tucked away in his closet. Then we looked at it from another perspective (trying to give the guy some credit), like maybe he was mad and was being funny. I mean come on really! I’m not rolling!

Then I read about this guy Vivi Nevi in Vanity Fair (Angelina Jolie looks hot BTW:) he has everything money can buy and he would love to settle down but can’t seem to get past a woman’s motives on his money and success. Tragic!

His guard is up so high that there may never be a woman tall or strong enough to climb it, get past it or even tear it down.

Lastly, is there anyone that actually does what they say they are going to do? I don’t ask for anything but I sure get offered a lot. I’m realistic, I know that you can’t give me the moon and the stars but when you say you are going to make me some homemade sangria I expect that and not a bottle of moscato. Nothing wrong with it but that’s not what you said and now I can’t trust your word.

My best friend spoke to me about omitted truths and it struck a chord with me. For one I realized I was responsible for this and never knew exactly at that time that I was doing it and the motives behind it. I see a lot of it. People in relationships with one foot out the door with an “If they don’t ask then why should I tell” type of attitude.
If no one is perfect why do we portray ourselves this way? I think it’s cool to be the best you and shed light on the good qualities that make you shine. Make me want you but don’t let me find out it was all lies.

To love someone is to love all of their perfections and imperfections. It’s what make you who you are and special. The good. The bad. The Ugly.

Some people believe that life is a mystery and humans just don’t know why and how they came into existence. Others use their religious standpoint and state that life is simple; God made us and now we are here to fulfill his purpose and will. No matter what concept one believes one can not help but to question human existence and look into spirituality from their experience.

Here is a concept of God from my personal experience:

I can remember back when I was younger (the times when children are the kings and queens of questions). I asked my mother,” Who made God”?  At this time I had converted from a Catholic to a Baptist which taught me who God was already. In other words, I knew God was a spirit and Jesus was the son of God (which had the spirit of God within him) so now my question was, “who made God”? She simply said,” God made him self”. I took this knowledge to Sunday school when the teachers asked a similar question and then told them what my mother told me with pride. Their faces looked puzzled. They told me,” We don’t know that answer. No one knows who made God”. As a child, I could not understand how my mother and those teachers had the same Christian beliefs but not the same answer to my question of who made God. This moment was the start of my spiritual quest and journey.

Throughout the years of my life, I had life and death experiences and I studied many religions. About five to seven years after I asked that question, I joined the Nation of Islam. I loved the mathematical scientific concepts of God and how we as people were created but yet I still loved the spiritual emotional side from Christianity.

Now at 27, I finally understand what my Mother meant. If God created humans in his own image, then humans are a reflection of God. As Jesus had the spirit of God within him, he was a reflection of his father. Now you may say, but I am a woman, God is a man, how can a woman be a reflection of God? Or people will either take sides with their religious standpoints and Christians, Muslims and Jews will say that God is a spirit and use “He” the father in terms of God. Many will also say that God took human forms and Jesus, Muhammad, Fard Muhammad, Buddha, etc were God. Buddhism states that we all have an higher self (God) that can be reached through enlightenment. Nevertheless, if God is a spirit then is God’s spirit in all of these people? I am not making these statements and questions to give any answers to who, what, and how God is. That is up to each individual because a true believer of any of these religions will see that all of them have already explained who God is but that’s another discussion.

Now let’s go back to the first statement mentioned (but god is a man). Let’s look at the word WOMAN. Tell me what do you see in this word, WO-MAN.I see a womb man or a man with a womb.

So now you may be confused. Am I implying that a woman is a man and a man is a woman? No, but I am simply making aware of the reality that we are all connected deeper than we are taught or told and its this simple connection that is my main focus. Physically we are all different but spiritually we are all the same. Some may not agree with me but at least analyze at this as if we are in the spiritual world and not the material world. Let’s evaluate ourselves and this connection I am referring too.

Imagine a person looking in a mirror or taking a picture of his or herself. The picture or reflection in the mirror is called “an image”. So it’s an image of one’s self. So what is the difference between a person and their image? Is the image the person or is the person the image? Is the image someone else? Did the person create that image or was it already there in the first place? This is what my mother meant when she said God created himself.

Based on my personal experience, God is all of our spirits into one that separated itself into infinity with multiple personalities. So was all these people mentioned above God, spiritually, yes. We are all the alpha and omega. There is no beginning and there is no end because life is a constant flow of energy and energy can never be destroyed. It goes on and on as does life. The only thing that changes is the material form. We are all a piece of God.

Regardless if one can relate, agree with my personal experience, or has their own concept and experience about who, what, and how God is, one can not argue about the importance of spirituality on earth. Without spirituality, one has no purpose and without a purpose one will lack dreams, goals, and faith. A person is likely to live life with no structure, no compassion, and lack love. From my experience love is the energy of all humans coming together for a greater cause. Love is a connection between two or more people as well as a connection with oneself and that connection is God. No connection is like a television cord not plugged into an electrical socket. It can not function, be viewed, or transmit images and other information because there is no electricity (energy). In other words, the cord is not plugged in the electrical socket so there is no source of energy. The electrical socket is where the electricity lies therefore is the “source” of energy. No matter what a person’s belief is about God, believe that there is an electrical source. My electrical source is the Higher Power (God).

Relationship problems. We all have them. Or have dealt with them. Most relationship problems are your garden variety, “Why didn’t you take out the trash/You always hog the remote/You want me to put that WHERE??” type of disputes. But every serious relationship has gone through or will go through at least one Big Problem. The type of problem that has you wondering if you’ve made a mistake by even being with this person and whether you want to continue with that mistake. They are perfectly normal, and most of the time you work through them and live happily ever after.

But what about that time period between wondering and happily ever after? That time period when you are wrestling with your feelings and thoughts and doubts and fears and anger and sadness? Many of us make the mistake of turning to our friends. But you ask, isn’t that what friend are there for? To support you and help you through your troubles? Well… yes and no.

The mistake people make is by telling their friends every single sordid detail about their dispute with their mate. You do an emotional dump and just get all that nasty stuff off of your chest. Your friend makes you feel better; takes your side, validates you, tells you that you are right and that asshole/bitch was wrong and who the fugg needs ‘em anyway?? And then you decide to work through your problems with your mate and everything is sunshine and kittens once again.

But, remember how you told your homeboy about how your lady slapped your momma and then made out with your third cousin? Or how you told your homegirl that your dude took your car and was spotted joyriding with scallywags on 38th Street? Yea, you may have forgave and forgotten, but your friend didn’t. They didn’t have the Power of the Poon/Peen benefit of in depth communication between the parties in interest to change their perspective on the situation. And the last thing your friend remembers is your vehement arguments as to why your mate is a piece of shit. However, now all of the sudden these friends are expected to act like nothing happened. It’s like asking a court reporter to strike testimony or evidence from the record that the jury has already heard; it doesn’t work in the courtroom, and it doesn’t work in life either.

Most friends do play along with the legal/life fiction that nothing happened, and chalk it up to it just being typical relationship shit, because we have all been on both the giving and receiving end of this scenario. Nevertheless, the reality is that friends are placed in an awkward situation when you dump your relationship problems on them. Their loyalty as your friend is to you, and it is only natural that they don’t want to see you hurt. By telling them about all of the details of your dispute with your mate, you are positioning your mate in your friend’s mind as the Enemy, that person that made you hurt and cry. Friends aren’t there for the make-up sex and reconciliation; they are there when you are at your worst, and that is what they remember. Even if your friends go along as if nothing happened just as you are, you have still made your mate seem like a horrible person to them, and that memory lingers. And in a way, you also make yourself look like an idiot fool for going back to them. Either way, it’s just not a good look for anyone involved.

So, unless you have retained an attorney and are drawing up the divorce papers, don’t tell your friends about every argument and craptastic thing your mate has done to you. And even then, people get back together (I recently had a friend do that, and the first time I saw her out with her no-longer-estranged husband was kind of aw-kward). Better yet, it is probably best to just keep it to yourself, because you don’t know what is going to happen a day or week or month later, and most likely it’ll be that you two will kiss and make up. Your friends can still be there for you for emotional support, but keep it generic. They can know that you are going through it with your ladyfriend/gentleman lover without having to know EVERYTHING. Also, pick and choose to whom you tell what. Some friends just know when you are talking shit or being irrational and have no problems telling you so, while others will take everything you say to heart and be ready to declare your mate Public Enemy No. 1. It is called discretion, and we all need to exercise more of it (and I won’t even get started on Twitter and Facebook…. some people treat that as their personal open forum relationship therapy sharing session; we don’t need to know all that about you and your boo).

Yes, the urge to relationship rant is strong, and we all succumb to it at times, and as human beings and social creatures we will continue to give it and receive it. However, next time you have to urge to get something off of your chest, just think about where that something goes, and what it does when it gets there.

Everyone has a story. Recently my husband shared with a semi public group that he cheated on me. This confession came as a big surprise to me. Even though the weeks preceding his disclosure I had been telling him that I was indeed ready to separate. Every since his affair 4 years ago I have not been able to forgive him. It is something that I struggled with the most. When there is infidelity in a relationship trust is what suffers the most. Trust is hard to build but very easy to destroy. I dealt with my trust issues and he never gave me reason to suspect that he was still being unfaithful. For me it was the act. I couldn’t get over him being with another woman.

I stressed day and night even in my sleep. I couldn’t get her face out my head. I wasn’t bothered too much by the fact he slept with her, it was the feelings he developed for her that bothered me the most. I knew about his feelings before I actually knew they had sex. I was very naïve and even though the clues were staring me in the face, I still denied it. I never saw sex as a threat but feelings were a different story. Feelings run deep. Sex is physical first though feelings can develop.

I compared myself to her endlessly. I wondered about my hair, my clothes, the way I walked. I worried about every little thing because I tried to figure out what she had that I didn’t. The truth is he was attracted to the 20%. By saying 20% I am being generous. She is the type of person I wouldn’t introduce to guys that I know and care about. Thinking about that is what made it even harder for me to get over. How could this person who is not wife material steal his heart?

This is where being over analytical complicates life. Thinking that way was the worst thing I could have done. His actions really had nothing to do with me. His actions didn’t define me. There was nothing I could’ve done differently to make him stay. Staying trapped in those thoughts not only made it difficult to patch things up in my marriage it also made it difficult for me to see my true self. I became so accustomed to seeing myself through the eyes of what I’m not instead of seeing what and who I am.

After the initial shock I was relieved that he got that off his chest. Some people questioned why he chose to express something that private in a public forum. I cannot speak for him but for me there was a weight lifted. I think I had began to wear the affair as shame on me. His confession brought the focus on his actions and I was able to see that in a way I was an innocent bystander. Though things are still leaning toward separation we both seem to have a clearer understanding of ourselves and how to go about our next relationship even if it’s with different people.

Right now I am somewhat hurt with how women interact with each other.  My concern steams from an incident I encountered over someone I recently started dating.  I am to the point where I am tired of seeing women fight and bicker over any and everything under the sun.  What is being gained for women to blatantly disrespect other women?  As I have grown older it seems that it has become more acceptable in society for women to intentionally hurt each other.  To me this is so not cool and it really hurts deep inside especially since I feel I just experienced a woman’s malicious ways towards me.

It’s early in the morning and I am work, I receive a phone call from another co-worker.  On the other end my co-worker is stating she knows it’s early but one of her best friends needs to talk to me about something important.  Something in my gut is telling me this is one of those conversations I would rather not have but I give my co-worker the okay to give my number to her best friend anyway.  I guess I should have been prepared to what I was going to hear next from this individual female.

When I answered my phone the greeting I received was “You and I have something and we have been seeing the same guy.”  Of course my first reaction I was caught off guard then I was instantly pissed off.  I was thinking who does this chick think she is to be calling me this early in the morning and I am work on top of that.  I continued to listen to this girl go on and on about how she may be pregnant and what they’re relationship consisted of.  Now I don’t doubt in my mind that there was no previous relationship of some sort with her and the guy.  My problem is the credibility on how true everything is with this chick and her friends.

In the past I have witnessed how her and her comrades interact with females.  They have started a fight or argument at work and other public areas with other women over a man that had some interest in.  And this is not the first time I have had some encountered with these two individual females one time or another.  I am far from being perfect but I don’t get off into all the female catty drama.

I just feel like she could have approached me in a different way especially by the way she greeted me when we first made contact over the phone.  Maybe we could have met some where instead of talking over the phone but I just feel like I was violated.  The last words from her during our conversation she stated he is going to end the relationship with her because she let the “cat out the bag.”  Then why did she even bother wasting her time calling me if she felt that way?  This is where I felt she knew she was being somewhat malicious and hurtful.

I have always taken a masculine stance to love and relationships.  Don’t get it twisted, I am a womanly woman-lots of curves and softness-but my psychological aura, my life force, my perception is decidedly male in nature.  The energy that surrounds me is one of a secret despotive alpha male waiting to pounce, devour and destroy-to command complete submission to my will by any ugly means necessary.

Sounds vicious, doesn’t it?  Well, looking at it in a more favorable light guarantees me trouble.  Like any other addict, whitewashing my problems don’t make them go away; denying that death is imminent does not delay it.  So, in true keeping with my masculine energy I call it as it is: an obsessive need to conquer.

Because of that dangerous flaw (another post for another day), I am a shameless flirt-in recovery but there it is.  The predator in me salivates at every chance to draw some unsuspecting man into the warm death that is my obsessive love.  The interaction is akin to a blending of alligator hunting and lioness kill: creeping, barely disturbing the atmosphere around me as I float closer and closer before leaping in to bite into the jugular.

Have I been a maneater all of my life? I think, yes, yes I have.  It began with having limited male interaction in my life while at the same time having a life teeming with men.  The men in my world were preoccupied with manly things and could not be bothered to entertain (let alone lovingly engage) a misfitted little coco puff like me.  The boys that I played with (there were few girls around my age in my neighborhood) spent most time engaged in primitive conquests that involved beating each other, then beating each other out for the attentions of girls much less brown and nerdy than I.

Resigned to the outskirts of male interaction, I did what I’ve always done best-I studied.  Men. Boys. All male entities.  Like the anthropologists of. the 19th century, I infiltrated their culture by becoming a part of it.  Yep! I went native. Walked the walk, talked the talk, heard things that no man would want women to hear. I became that girl that guys forgot was in the room; that chick that guys talked to about their girlfriends.  They called me baby girl, lil mama, play sister, fam.   All the while giving me the ammunition that murdered them all.

And then I would move in for the kill. I would slowly break relationships apart, become that person that he couldn’t live without. Necessary-no, needed. After that, nearly no space existed between helplessness and utter destruction.  Just like a man, after my conquests I lost interest.  He called more, I answered less.  He said ‘I love you’, I said ‘That’s so sweet’.  He wanted to hang out, I was busy.  I came, I saw, I conquered-and I was on to the next one.

I never tell anything personal without a reason-and this time is no different.  Girls need real male interaction, preferably with a father or fatherlike figure.  A woman cannot teach another woman how to give or receive male attention, respect or love. And with no model, young girls are left to figure it out.  In my case, my natural intellectualism took me to the Lil Kim extreme: “Niggas ain’t shit but hoes and tricks”.

The other option (which I think most girls take) is to have predatory guys teach you the wrong message: that your worth is between your legs, that you only count in the physical, that love requires payment in sex and subserviance.  This kind of extreme is perpetuated when moms involve themselves in bad relationships in front of their children; girls learn every wrong move, every wrong expectation.   Then, they teach it to their kids.

My story as a maneater ends on a positive note.  I am married (with 2 children) to a man that is as strong as I am.  He has created space in our relationship for my unusual nature through sheer cheesy, gooey affection to soften me up while at the very same time allowing me to exercise my predatory skills (kind of like buying a cat a play mouse on a stick).  See?  All happy.

But don’t be tricked.  I know I am not the only one out there.  Game recognizes game–and we always acknowledge our own kind.  Be careful, considerate and cautious.  We are everywhere: broken, bleeding little girls hiding behind devious smiles and knowing eyes.  Don’t be scared, just be mindful that hurting people hurt people.

I love this part of my life, where I am graced with the privilege of writing about my experiences.  Part of my privilege is being able to talk with my favorite person that I’ve never actually met — The Luvologist, himself.

During our last telephone conversation, Luv asked me a question: “Do you find your writing thereputic?” (You’ll have to read my contributions to understand the depth of the question).  I responded honestly–”No”–but not fully.

After revisiting the conversation and my response later on, I realized that I had not ever thought about what purpose my writing about my misadventures served for me.  Sure, I had fully calculated the possible impact that my personal honesty could have on men and women every where.  Yet, I had never ever visited the impact on me.  Until this particular conversation, that is.

As I stated earlier, I was honest.  I do not find writing cathartic or thereputic.  By the time I write anything, I have turned the matter over in my mind so many times that it no longer holds any real emotional value, least of all to sooth or heal.  What does happen is something much more profound: I experience humility.

One of the most dangerous emotional responses we have in the arsenal of feelings is pride.  Pride equals self preservation through the complete denial of personal culpability.  Pride is what we reach for when we having nothing else to stand between us and the truth.  Pride is what we hide behind when we pretend to be someone we are not, pretend to be better than we are.

As I have grown in grace and love, I find myself revisiting the darkest moments in my life with new eyes.  No longer desirous of pointing my fingers at someone else, I have taken cold hard stock of my own actions and how (each one more represensible than the last) they brought me to a place of destruction.  Now, when I write or speak about my pain I am brutal in my honesty with myself.  And the brutality breeds a sense of gratitude that you wouldn’t believe.

I am a Christian, so I believe that when I asked God to forgive me that God forgives and doesn’t return to it.  That kind of belief could lead me (and HAS in my past) down the path of self righeousnessness. The gift that Luv and this venue have given me is that every time I sit and write, I am awash in the memory of what my life used to be like and the enormous amount of grace and mercy the people I love have shown me.  I get to remind myself of how blessed I am, how obligated that I am to love each and every person in my life fully and without judgment because someone has loved me that way.

So when you read my words, please don’t feel sorry for me.  Don’t be shocked or embarrassed.  Don’t be judgmental.  Read the story, get a revelation and appreciate the fact that you’re experiencing firsthand someone’s walk of humbleness.  That every word you read pays my debt of gratitude for the blessings that I enjoy even now.

Sometimes you never know what a person is hiding in their past. The face the world sees has a smile and an aura of friendliness. However, when at home the façade drops to be replaced with anger, sadness or numbness. Sometimes tears fall and sobs rack the body. One would think that after all this time it wouldn’t still have an effect. The memories and scars of childhood sexual abuse never leave.

I was four and a half when the little “I” died a brutal death. I couldn’t understand how those that claimed to love me could literally tear me apart. The memory of that day still haunts my memory. Years of therapy helped, but I can never forget. I still see my little body lying there in pain. I could tell you in detail what the room looked like and what played on the television. The weather for that day is still etched in my brain. I can still hear them. I remember the look of worry on my mother’s face when she came to pick me up. I can still feel my sister gently taking me in her arms and putting me in the car. I remember whispering to her, “They hurt me.” I can still hear her tell my mother and then I passed out. I remember emergency room lights, bitter pain pills and salve. I didn’t understand what was going on around me and what had happened to me.
My mother never shed a tear, my sister wouldn’t look at me and my father cried. In my mind I thought I had done something wrong. I apologized. I cried. My mother said, “Baby, you did nothing wrong.” She held me on the ride home. I felt her body shake and her tears hit my cheek. My sister never left my side and she hugged me as I screamed from bad dreams. I asked for my father and I was told he had to go out on business. Later, I found out he went to the babysitter’s house and did what a father does to protect his family. I never went back to that house ever again. They constantly tried to see me. They even had the audacity to send me Christmas presents and birthday gifts. They attempted to reach me, but my family protected me.

Therapy helped. However, even at that young age I thought it was my fault. I made friends easily, but I was very guarded about what I told them. I thought if they knew about my sexual abuse, then they wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me. Even though I knew it wasn’t my fault I shouldered the blame. I didn’t date much because I didn’t know if I would have a horrid flashback in an intimate moment. I shut myself off from intimacy because of fear. Each day I mourned the loss of my innocence. Then one day I woke up angry. I told my story. I waited for my friends to leave me. I waited for the blame. All I got was love and support.

One morning I woke up with my heart racing, unable to breath, and an incredible fear in my soul. For years a part of me slowly died because the light of my childhood had been stolen. I cried that morning for that little girl. I was drained. I later learned my abuser had died. His death finally released that little girl that I was.

Many of my pieces center around why more men and women aren’t getting together and most importantly, staying together. This article will be no different, but in keeping with this month’s theme of cheating, I’m putting a twist on it and looking at ways we cheat ourselves. I think one of the reasons why more people aren’t getting it together is because they cheat themselves out of possibility, out of happiness, out of the future for the sake of now.

We hear it all too often, ‘there aren’t any good ones left’, ‘all the good ones want white women’ or for the men, ‘all the women are just after me for my money’ or my personal favorite ‘women just don’t appreciate a good brotha anymore’. There are a myriad of ridiculous excuses that people use to deceive themselves. That’s like saying there are no more fish in the water. There’s somebody for everybody, they just have to find them. I saw a posting recently on the web stating that ‘if a woman over 30 is still single, that it’s her fault. There’s something wrong with her.’ The author went on to say that ‘women wouldn’t know how to treat a man if he came with instructions’. Obviously that’s a very immature and narrow-minded line of thought, but that’s the kind of stuff that’s out there for both men and women to deal with in the dating scene. Both genders say the most ridiculous things in an attempt to rationalize their personal shortcomings through projection and/or placing blame on the opposite sex. The truth is that most people cheat themselves because they killed their own relationship possibilities through actions and/or words (or lack thereof on each).

Although there are many, the three main areas I see killing relationship potential are: playing the field too much, not taking the time to properly get to know someone, and communication problems. While these are self-explanatory, I for sake of argument I will break them down.

It goes without saying that most of us want to find and keep the best person out there for us. However, a lot of people just take it way too far. They act as if the possibilities of good mates are endless. They don’t have a significant other because they are too busy playing the field. I’m not saying that people shouldn’t explore options and possibility. The difference comes when they start treating people like options. This phenomena coupled with the consumerism-laden attitude towards relationships (see my previous article Designer Mates) is a big reason why people aren’t getting together. Folks don’t want to concentrate all their eggs in one basket, which is understandable to a degree. However at some point in time one must question the need to spread out so much with very little return. For some, it’s a coping mechanism (or even a crutch) because of past hurt and disappointment. Using an interest analogy, a person can have several accounts with minimal interest earned on each or they can have one big account with better interest earned. So it goes with relationships and why marriage is so important. At some point in time, a person must consolidate their principle. Relationships are an emotional investment, in oneself, in the other person and their future together. A person can’t complain there’s no one out there when the truth is s/he never really even tried.

We see and experience it all the time when people are talking to too many people at a time. They can’t keep the details straight, “No Michael I don’t work at Starbucks nor do I smoke”. They stop calling or do it so sporadically that it becomes suspect. They make excuses about why they couldn’t call. There are many tell-tale signs that say ‘you ain’t the only’. Whatever the excuse, the end result of playing the field too much is what I call ‘window shopping’. People seem to want to just graze the surface, instead of taking the time to truly get to know a person and using that as an indicator if they want to pursue something. Most people are much different than just what’s on the surface. Often times, people are nothing like what we thought and often we’re amazed at what we find. Not to sound cliché, but judging a book by it covers robs us of a beautiful story. No one can tell your story like you, so why not find out theirs? You cannot get to know a person from the inside until you stop and take some time to do so. Therein lies a much deeper problem.

Getting to know someone requires time, and most importantly, effort. Most people are lazy when it comes to putting in any kind of energy. We are a society of conveniences and many people think relationships are supposed to be just as convenient. It’s supposed to come to them, or worse yet, the other person is supposed to do all the work. So they try to get to know someone only putting in minimal effort. That is to say they interact with them superficially and then when the other person appears to not have every single thing on the laundry list of ‘requirements’, they stop interacting. Ex-one on to the next one. That needs to stop. Eventually all that skipping from person to person is going to land you nowhere. The once seemingly limitless dating pool will burst louder than the 2007 housing market bubble. You will quickly find yourself 65 years old by living by yourself eating tv dinners for the holidays. I’m not advocating be with someone that has absolutely major flaws that are deal-breakers for you. It just means take the time to properly get to know someone. Everyone has flaws, including you, so learn to be more accepting of minor ones. It just means they have room to grow, just like you do. Hopefully y’all will be growing *together*.

Remember: The depth of a soul is not measured by what appears on the surface, nor can their potential as your life partner. How can you make an in-depth decision about a person only knowing surface information?

Ineffective or lack of communication is a relationship killer too. Nearly every aspect of life relies on a relationship of some sort, be it work, friends, family, significant other, whomever. First and foremost the games need to stop. Both parties need to be authentic. If you like someone say so. If you’re not interested, say that too, in a nice way. No one like rejection, but being mean about it is, well, just mean. There’s no need. If you like the person, you don’t have to get mushy, or rush things and jump head first into it, but it does require being up-front. Stop playing. Show some courtesy in the way you treat the person and communicate with him/her and expect the same. Consistent communication is important too. It doesn’t mean y’all keep tabs on each other’s every move, but it does aid in preventing potential conflict. If you’ve been out of touch for several days and you’re still busy, a simple message to say ‘hey, I’m still tied up, but I’ll get at you when I’m done’ goes a long way compared to the person just sitting there for a week wondering what the hell happened. Good communication builds mutual trust which is a cornerstone to any strong relationship. Never let perception and assumption communicate for you. A person shouldn’t have to wonder where things are in the relationship… show them. Your actions (or lack thereof) communicate too.

The bottom line is that you are cheating yourself out of potential happiness when you play the field because you don’t know what you want, fail to truly understand someone on a deeper level, or when you are not communicating effectively with potentials. More importantly, the next generation is being cheated too. They are being cheated out of our rich family heritage and carrying on traditions. Our culture is slowly eroding because as a collective we are choosing to wait much later in life to marry, or not to marry at all. Kids are no longer experiencing the benefit of family stability from strong matriarchs and patriarchs. ‘Big Mama’ is 45 now (if that old). Think about when you were kids, what were the holidays were like with your family at grandma and grandpa’s house? Don’t you want that for your children too? When is the last time you helped celebrate someone’s 50th anniversary? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, that we have too many choices in life because our society is so convenience-driven. We are drowning in a sea of choices, literally. Relationships are not convenience, but the cultural and emotional payout is way more than we can possibly imagine, so the end does justify the means. It’s a great thing to love, be loved, and create love (our legacies).

Stop playing games and contributing to the gender war. Get to know one another and put your best foot forward. You will find making that connection and finding true love will get a whole lot easier.