Remember when you first got on Facebook? It was so exciting, wasn’t it? At first, you added all the people you already talked to on a regular basis, whether from your circle of friends, chat rooms, instant messenger list, or website forums.  Maybe you added your cousins too.  Some of you added your co-workers (why, I have no idea, but it happened). Then, you started noticing who your friends were friends with, and you added a couple of those people.  And finally, you began to search for people.

At first, you searched for your childhood best friend (because you hadn’t talked to her in 15 years!), and you found her. You both were ecstatic about reconnecting, and made a concrete plan to grab dinner in the next two weeks.  Then, you searched for your college roommate.  Oh look! She got married. So you added her, and chatted for a bit about life and families and work, and while you didn’t make plans to get together offline, you did keep up with each other through status updates and pictures posted to each other’s newsfeed.

Then, you searched for your ex-boyfriend. That… bastard (I tried to be nice) had a page.  With a profile picture showing him hugged up on that bitch- that tramp he had a kid with.  You looked this over briefly, noting with no small amount of satisfaction that that bitch- that tramp could stand to lose about 25 pounds, before closing the browser completely and returning to your TPS reports for work.

Every morning, you sat down with your coffee and eagerly checked your page to see if you had that little blue-and white notification box telling you that you had “Friend Requests” or “Messages”.  Facebook was fun, it was nifty, and it was so easy to see what everybody was doing.  Because while you were discovering friends on Facebook, so was everyone else. So while you were searching for people you knew, people were searching for you too! Neat-o! Awesome! Excellent!

And then Twitter came along. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Except Twitter was real-time conversation. Sort-of. Mostly. Whatever.  You didn’t really “get” Twitter at first, but quickly, you got the hang of it. You learned how to hashtag, how to post pics, how to use the DM, and how to RT.  It was glorious! In some ways, it was better than Facebook! You could get instant responses. You could carry on a conversation with several people at once. Hell, you could even send and receive your tweets via TEXT!  No need to be on the computer!

And then the improvements came along.  A new newsfeed, a mobile website, and apps. Enhanced user experience (or whatever lack-of-privacy crap Facebook wanted to shove down your throat), TwitLonger, #tittytuesday, and, thank you 6lb-8oz baby Jesus, a mute function. And you tweeted and updated your status every chance you got.

And so did everyone else.

And then you noticed that a certain “Somebody” was always the first person to comment on your man’s FB statuses.  Or Somebody was ALWAYS responding with “ell-oh-ell” to his tweets.  Or Somebody Else was posting subtle comments on his page, comments that gave you a moment’s pause, but weren’t overt enough to really raise the red flag. Or he was constantly tweeting Somebody with a locked page but with her ass cheeks as her avi. Or Somebody and Her Friends were subtweeting like shit about what Somebody did last night with He Who Shall Remain Nameless, and how his girl had absolutely no idea about what Somebody did.  Or your man was openly flirtatious with Somebody on both her Facebook and Twitter page.  And the more ‘improvements” both sites made, the more able you were openly able to see his activity on social media

And inevitably, you and your man started having it out about the internet. Or even worse, you started having it out ON the internet. You subtweeted about him, he subtweeted about you, and your mutual followers watched in dismay.  The Facebook Somebody was posting more and more on his page, and you were more and more in his Inbox about it.  You saw him RTing (with comment, of course) all the #thongthursday tweets his opposable thumbs would allow.  And then THEY (because it was more than one “She“) would make some kind of comments about YOU and your insecurity and HE had the audacity to LAUGH IN RESPONSE!

“It’s just the internet,” he’d say with annoyance in his voice.

And what did you learn from this experience?  That social media was bad for relationships.

Wait. What?

Social media ruined your relationship? That damn Book of Faces got you caught up in some drama? TUCK FWITTER – you’ll just delete your account (or make him delete his)?

Right?

Oh. Ok.

While my scenario is purely hypothetical (of course), this is the type of flawed thinking that I see played out over the Internet time and time again.

Wait, I said this was hypothetical, right? Okay. Just checking.

I am utterly amazed that 14 billion lines of code (estimate is mine and is grossly unscientific) have been scapegoated for the actions of men who are violating the tenets of their committed relationships.  Said more simply, Twitter is NOT the reason why your man is cheating on you (and neither is Facebook, I might add).  Your man is cheating on you because…Your. Man. Is. Cheating. On. You.

The only thing that social media has done is to give people a bigger window into the lives of others and more access to more people.  It does not cause men to flirt inappropriately. Or send out pics of their “little soldiers.”  Or actually cheat.  It just makes it easier. Simultaneously, it allows you to see said flirtations and questionable behaviors more easily. And it’s also there (possibly forever) for the world to see as well.  But even if Twitter didn’t exist, the actions that are displayed on Twitter WOULD exist. And that, dear sisters, is the issue at hand.

Whether it is texting, Twitter, Facebook, tumblr, or holograms on the iPhone 75, blaming the medium is akin to blaming the car for a car accident instead of the driver (Toyota recalls are the exception). I personally am skeptical when people claim that Twitter unfollowed somebody unbeknownst to them, so I definitely am not going to believe that Twitter dumped the wrong DM into your man’s account because his username is @handsomeguy but the DM was meant for @handsomeHOCKEYFAN because, you know, the names are sooooo similar.  That “errant DM” is the new-school version of writing a phone number on a napkin at the club.  And if you are doing laundry and find that phone number in your man’s pocket, are you going to blame the club? The napkin dispenser? The sun for not being out and therefore making it an appropriate time to go to the club?  Do you see where I am going with this?

If your man is cheating on you, he is cheating on you. It’s painful. It’s demeaning. It hurts. But his actions are the problem that YOU need to address.  Arguing about what he is doing on Twitter is a waste of time. Instead, you should be arguing about what he is doing, and writing Twitter a thank-you note for revealing his doings to you.

Our ability to have a sustained relationship is slowly dying off.  Divorce rates for 1st time marriages sit at 41%; second and third time arounders hit at 63% and 71%, respectively.  I’m certain that hundreds–if not thousands–of research projects, journal articles and scholarly books have been completed in the name of figuring out why.  To me, the answer is simple:  Disney movies.

Disney movies have warped the minds of  generations.  Women are walking around tricked, secretly thinking that any day now Prince Charming is going to fall out of the sky looking like Brad Pitt (or Denzel Washington) on a white horse (or in a stretch Hummer) with a diamond tiara and the long lost glass slipper (or a platinum visa and limitless charge accounts on the Gold Coast).  What they don’t realize is that there is NO Prince Charming. NO Fairy Tale.  NO Happily Ever After–at least not one that looks like the end of Cinderella  or  the more up-to-date Princess in the Princess and the Frog.

Unfortunately, the birds don’t tweet and the  sun doesn’t glow lovingly as you walk away into the sunset of a brand new day. A new level of work is required once you’ve decided to become “one” with someone else.  Marriage requires three components missing from every princess movie out there: communication, compromise and charity.

Communication isn’t simply talking about what you want or need–communication demands that you continue to discover and undercover your ever evolving partner.  I have heard more than one person on their way to divorce say something like this: We grew apart.  Well guess what?  People only grow apart when they discontinue to know each other on a intimate level.  More than just the physical, intimacy means delving deep into the innermost passions of the person you’re with.  You can’t grow apart if you’re on the same page, and you can’t be on the same page if you never communicate.

Speaking about being on the same page: if you want a real lasting “we’ve-been-married-for-60-years” kind of story, then I strongly suggest that you learn to compromise.    I mean that some battles are simply not worth fighting.  The way a man hangs his clothes up really should not be a point of contention; and a woman who takes forever in the bathroom means you should buy a 2 1/2 bath home.   Let me be clear here:  I do not believe you should ever compromise on who you are or your dreams and goals–we all have deal breakers.  BUT if you’ve made it this deep into a relationship compromising yoursef, then… well, that’s a post for another day.  However, on minor matters (and even a few major ones here and there), a little compromise goes a long way.  Give up the remote!  Stop moping during football season!  Watch a lifetime movie with your girl sometimes!  Being right all the time will make you feel good, but it will kill your relationship in the end.

Finally, understand and embrace true charity.  Real love is the most selfless act you could ever commit to.   We all have issues, problems, baggage that we carry around. When you love someone completely, you learn to see past weaknesses.  When conflict comes, you focus your energy on finding a solution rather than nursing perceived offenses.  When someone attacks, you focus your effort on figuring out the why rather than getting wrapped up in the what.  Real love for someone demands that you accept the person “as is”, not expecting anything except the fulfillment that comes with loving another.  Most folks love with an expectation of something in return–and when that “something” isn’t returned, become frustrated and leave without ever realizing that the problem lies within.

We all desire our own happy ending-yet, we most often fail to take the steps to insure that we get it.  By assuming that the hard work has ended once we land our “prince” (or princess, these days–I’m waiting on that Disney movie!), we guarantee that our hero will ride out just as quickly as he rode in.

EDITOR NOTE: When we first received the email from Scott Hayes, we were floored. It’s not common for a man to express his love for the woman for which he is involved. The email was so riveting. Scott expressed extreme love for the woman he adored, Marshaunda. We originally were going to feature this couple in November until we received some news. They recently were married on 09/10/11. We figured NOW would be the best time to feature them. Enjoy their love story.

“The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one’s relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase.  This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it.  It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life.”  ~~ Sir Hugh Walpole

Marshaunda and Scott have always had different stories regarding the way they met, but unlike most couples, their stories are only different in that there is the way they actually met and the story that they tell people.

They’ve both always said they met at a party on Tuskegee’s campus, but the truth is that their initial communication began on Black Planet or College Club… they haven’t been able to settle on which one it was. That’s right folks, online. Scott’s screen name was TUgrad99 and Marshaunda was known as MahoganyBrown. They had numerous chat and e-mail conversations, but had both decided that the other had to be hideously deformed because neither of them believed that anyone they shared so much in common with could be cute.

Nevertheless, they continued to converse electronically which eventually led to phone conversations that would last for hours on end. They really had no intentions of meeting, but one day, Marshaunda mentioned being extremely hungry. Fresh out of college and living back at home with his parents, Scott could only offer to bring her some food that he had just cooked. Marshaunda was adamant about not believing that he could cook, but once she tasted the food it was a wrap.

Neither of them will admit an initial attraction, but for some reason they continued speaking on the phone and then progressing on to going out to dinner, the movies and football games — ignorant to the fact that they were cultivating something special. Though they had shared their first kiss and found themselves holding hands often, they both claimed to only be friends. So when Scott took his first job as a Social Worker with a grant program in Birmingham and moved, they only promised to keep in touch.

The old saying held true and distance truly made their hearts grow fonder as Scott began to woo Marshaunda with love letters, CD mixes, roses and poetry which would often arrive at her dorm in the form of care packages. Unlabeled, they both tried their best to see each other as often as possible. Marshaunda would catch rides with friends who lived in Birmingham and Scott also took each opportunity to make the trek to Montgomery for a visit with the object of his affections. After hosting a housewarming to celebrate the move into his first apartment, Scott’s friends gave numerous compliments to the beautiful young lady that worked tirelessly to help him put things together. He was indeed impressed by and amazed at the way his ‘friend’ had worked the crowd and even helped to take care of a sick friend. Plans to ask Marshaunda about taking their friendship to the next level were thwarted by her announcement the next morning ––

“Before I go, I just wanted you to know that you’re my boyfriend.”

And the rest, good people, is history. But it was only the beginning of their-story.

Scott’s Keys to a Long-Lasting Relationship

1) Keep God at the center of everything you do, individually and as a couple. If God is at the center, it is impossible for the circumference to be off.

2) Communication is essential. This is two-fold in that you have to know how to talk about things even when you don’t want to talk about it and the talking needs to be between you and your mate. In other words, keep other folks outta your business.

3) Realize that any relationship, at best, is difficult and takes constant work, effort, enthusiasm and if meant to last, patience and love.

Marshaunda’s Key’s to a Long-Lasting Relationship

1) Faith- God must be the head.
2) Love
3) Trust
4) Communication
5) Fun- It is essential!

Once again, congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Scott Hayes. Not only for becoming newlyweds but also being Luv and Relationships Couple of the Month for October. May you continue on your journey of happiness together.

You can also check out their FULL love story of their website WE LOVE OWT LOUD

If you know someone or if you and your mate feel like you’re Couple of the Month material, send us an email at execeditor@luvandrelationships.com or CONTACT US.

If you are a single parent then you already know just how tough it can be to find time for yourself – let alone time for dating! However, there is absolutely no reason for you to spend the rest of your life just busying yourself with kids and neglecting your heart.

Single parent dating is possibly one of the trickiest things you will ever have to juggle. Naturally there are many concerns for a single parent looking to wade into the dating scene again. Here are a few tips.

Be upfront with potential dates

One of the best ways to ensure that the person you meet is willing to date someone with children is to be up front about your situation. If you sign up on single parent dating websites, then chances are that the people who respond to your add are willing to make the effort required to accept that you have children and be willing to integrate them into their lives if things go that far. Another good way of ensuring success is to have family or friends introduce you to people they know are interested in a relationship and who don’t mind meeting someone with children.

Make your children aware of your intentions to date again

This is probably one of the toughest situations that a single parent has to face. Younger children are generally more willing to accept mom or dad dating while older children are less likely to be as accommodating. Older children may feel resentment that someone is dividing their parent’s attention or may just feel angry that someone is trying to replace the other parent. In either case your best strategy is to be open and frank with your children. Talk to them about your intentions of hitting the dating scene again and find out what they think. If they are not happy with your decision find out why. Then reassure them that no matter who you meet, you will always be there for them first and foremost. Children who have been through the trauma of a divorce will need plenty of reassurance that they will not be losing you if you start dating again. Another good way of increasing the likelihood of your children accepting that you plan to date is to be very clear that no one will replace the other parent.

Make time to date

Many single parents have alternate weekends off while the children are visiting with the other parent. Use this time to go out on dates and meet new people. Unfortunately, being a single parent often means not having much social time or adult interaction. Take time to expand your social network and enjoy the company of other adults. You might be tempted to do all of the things you do not have time for when the children are around, but don’t allow yourself to get caught in that trap. You should absolutely make time to date. You deserve to do something for yourself.

Don’t rush into a relationship

Take things slow. Allow yourself time to get used to being back on the dating scene, and allow your children time to get used to you dating. There is no reason to rush into a relationship. Learn as much as you can about your dates to determine whether or not a relationship is even desirable. If things don’t work out, move on. A strong healthy relationship will come as long as you are willing to slowly lay a solid foundation. Until then, have fun and enjoy the experience.

Don’t introduce your children too soon

If you are casually dating, it is not a good idea to introduce your children to all of your dates. A good time to introduce your children is when you decide to be exclusive with one person and see the relationship heading in a positive direction. Children can be easily confused with different people coming in and out of their lives. Children can also become attached to your dating partners and become devastated if the dating relationship should end. When you decide the time is right to introduce your children, take it slow. Make the first introduction a short one and increase the visits gradually.

Pay close attention to the interactions and listen to your children’s feelings about your new friend.

A friend posted a scenario in one of the online chat groups I’m in.  Basically, a man and a woman run in the same  circles.  He tells her he likes her style  and the way she thinks.  Suspicious, she  asks “What do you want?” He replies “nothing”. (By the way he is married).  Weeks go by and they chat back and forth.  Finally, she says “If it’s the Kitty you’re after, then just say that”.  He insists that’s not it.  Finally  she tells him, “Let’s cut to the chase, I can give you some tail so you can stop playing the mind games, or you can have a sincere friend for life.” She tells him the one catch is that they sleep together only once and then all communication will cease.  He chooses the Kitty.  Now in most cases it is not this clear cut, but women often wonder why men choose to play mind games, instead of  being up front about their true intentions. Why waste time trying to get in my head, just to get in my panties?

Tell Me What You Want and I Will Be Honest and Tell You Whether It’s Possible or Not

Lots of women today want men to just be frank and say what they want.  They ask point blank about their intentions right  from the beginning, the true answer is rarely as upfront.  As hard as it is to believe there is a new breed of women that say they don’t always need the relationship, the ring, and the promise of happily ever after, to be intimate with a guy.  These are ladies who are not currently in a  relationship, but they still have needs.  When she knows from the beginning that it’s just about the sex, she doesn’t  let her feelings get involved and she has no expectations other than a good time.  For her it could be a simple exchange of goods, until he decides to play with her emotions, pretend like he  wants to get to know her, like he is interested, like he cares.  That’s when she gets pissed off!

Some Women have to be Woo’d

Men argue that it’s not  that simple.  They do what they do partly  because they don’t want to offend us.    After all, honesty doesn’t get you much  azz.  One of the men in the group presented this example:  “It’s like a  lion walking up to an antelope saying, “excuse me Mr. Antelope, I want to kill  you and eat you for dinner”.  He believes when it comes to sex, honesty is not always the best policy.  Some women don’t mind a man saying “I just want to f*ck”, and some women have to be woo’d….

This is a feisty group, and the women weren’t just going to let it go with one smooth line.  The feistiest one pointed out that in the  jungle the gazelle and the lion both know the deal, and that’s called “fair game”.  Tricking someone to get the goods should make a man feel weak, like taking candy from a baby.  Then she hit him with the boom, Bang, POW…”Honesty might not get you that much azz, but it will get you RESPECT.”

I’d Rather Have Sex, Than Respect

Most men don’t care if the woman respects them, as long as they get what they want. The truth is even though women claim to know within the first fifteen minutes whether or not they will sleep with a guy, if he walked up to her and said “would you like to f*ck” she would probably give him that “Boy please!” look.  But if he were to say, “Hi, my name is John and I think you’re beautiful, would you mind if I bought you a drink?”, waiting until you were both comfortable enough with each other to put it out there, chances are that strategy would have a higher success rate.  Men believe they are just playing by the  rules that are already established vs. trying to play the game by what the  rules SHOULD be.

The Law of Averages say that a straight approach would more likely get you a “nah, not interested” or a “You got me f*cked up”.  So at the end of  the day, Mr. Honesty is going home alone with respect, while the other guy gets laid.

The Brutal Truth

I have to admit, as much as I don’t like it, I can understand the men’s point of view.  One thing we all agree on is the primary goal  of most men is to say hello to the kitty as soon as possible. It doesn’t always have to be two hours after you meet each other.   Sometimes they will wait it out and see what happens.  I can’t be mad that it’s not the first thing out of their mouth.  The truth is…I WANT  TO BE WOO’D!!! Lol.  I respect their honesty, but I also appreciate their attempts to stimulate my mind before trying to stimulate my body.  We already complain that chivalry is dead.  I personally  can’t imagine a world where guys get comfortable enough that they don’t think ANY effort is required to play in my playground.

**I want to send out a special thanks to Katurah Boyd and Torey Harris who were the inspiration for this article.  They both presented and defended their positions well!  Luvologist always  says that it’s you the audience that have all the answers, I tend to  agree.  So what say you…Is honesty the best policy?  Or do women still need to be woo’d?

The moment when your child realizes that Santa is not real comes as a relief to many parents.  It’s the same moment that they can now take credit for all of those wrapped presents under the tree.  Sometimes the moment when your child realizes that one of their parents really is not or has not been a part of their life is similar to the no Santa experience.  Especially for so many single parents who are solely responsible for the care and upbringing of their kids.  For the parent who has always been there it’s the awakening that we long for.  It’s the reality that my child realizes how hard I work and how much I sacrifice for them.

Many parents, both men and women, are sometimes quick to pass judgment on one another for not being present in a child’s life.  Sometimes it’s expressed verbally and even physically by acting out, struggling in school, or hanging around with the wrong crowd.  A child who’s only point of reference is the present parent, usually adapts those same views and starts to resent the MIA parent.  It’s almost an unspoken rule.  If daddy leaves us, if daddy isn’t a provider or if he doesn’t spend time with us then he’s worthless or doesn’t exist.  There are even times when daddy is trying or is only lacking in one area and still portrayed negatively to the child.

I have 2 boys, ages 16 and 10, they have different fathers.  Both were the result of long term relationships that just didn’t work out.  In both cases their fathers have not really been a part of their life.  They’ll show up every now and again out of the blue promising the world but seldom delivering.  Should I be upset at them? Hell yea!!!  There was no child support, no school clothes, no weekend visits.  There was nothing that was stable in my boys’ relationship with their dad.  The only thing that they could continuously count on was me being there to pick of the pieces of their wounded hearts when dad was a no show.  The reality of the situation is that it’s my responsibility to nurture my boys.  There are so many of us out here in this same situation and what separates us is the way that we handle it.  Talking negatively about your ex to or around your kids is not the way to handle it.  We all get upset and emotional but the fact that your co-parent is absent from the responsibility is clear.  There’s no need for trash talking because their actions have already been observed by your child.

I’ve always allowed my boys to form their own opinions about things and this was a major one.  Although it’s been hell for me, I have to make sure that both of my boys understand on their own the influence that their dads have on them and what role they’ve played in their lives.  I didn’t want them to adopt my opinion based on my biased circumstances.  I wanted them to realize that relationships are work and they were doing their part but their dads weren’t.  It’s not until they realize for themselves what’s really going on that they can find closure within and yet still grow up to be great parents.  We have to allow them that choice.  It’s not fair to take it from them.

My mother married my father when I was three.  The problem?  He wasn’t my biological father.

To most people, that would seem to be not a big deal.  I mean, after all, I was three.  But I had spent 3 years of my life a certain way–my mother, her 2 siblings and my grandparents all in the same house with everyone catering to my ministry.  I still remember the disruption to my world when Daddy began to come around.  Mymom wasn’t there as much anymore, and he was there more often.  She would “go out” and LEAVE ME!  Then, the other little girl (my soon-to-be stepsister) around.  it wasn’t happening.  I was not getting ready to share my mommy with these people.  I hated them all for changing my life.  I was hurt because I felt like my mom chose him over me.  And I was only 3.

With divorce/remarry rates high and people having children long before ever tying the knot with anyone, many kids feel the same way I felt at the tender age of 3.  I was…lucky in a way (if you want to call it that) because my biological father had not been/would not be in my life until I was grown, so there were no warring parents to deal with.  As a teacher, I find that a lot of the children I teach have the extra added burden of one parent speaking negatively about the other or asking incessant questions about the new partner.  Some (quite a few) become emotionally coerced into retaliatory behaviors trying to please one or the other parent.

I don not think anything is wrong with finding love the second or third or fourth or umpteenth time around, but (speaking as a former stepchild and current pseudo-stepparent), parents should be much more proactive in the way that they go about beginning relationships and ultimately allowing new adults into their children’s lives. It all could be a lot less traumatic if more parents looked at it from their child’s perspective.  So I’ve compiled a list of…shall we say guidelines for your consideration.

1.  Talk to your child(ren) about the changes that are happening.  Kids understand a lot more than you think, and what you don’t fill in they will fill in for themselves.  If you give them an age-appropriate heads up before major changes take place, you’d save yourself some headaches and counseling down the line.
2. Introduce the new person into your life slowly.  Please, please, please, please, please don’t let your child wake up one morning to a strange person walking around your home.  That may seem extreme, but really it’s what most people do–move into a serious relationship where a stranger suddenly has power over the child in the household.  New partners are like vegetables to kids–they have to try the person multiple times to acquire a taste, then liking for, the new cuisine.
3. Don’t get caught up–manage your time.   The number one reason why children hate the new guy or lady is because they feel that they’ve been abandoned-that you have chosen the other person over them.  Give your children the attention that they need and deserve.  Don’t be so “in love” that you forget to be a parent.
4. Respect your child’s feelings; then require them to respect yours.  Your child has a right to his feelings.    You also have a right to yours.  Allow him to express himself, then reassure him that you still love them.  At the same time, voice your expectations of respect for your feelings.  Talk it out, come up with reasonable family expectations and require that your child be polite even if he doesn’t like your new friend.
5. Be an adult.  Don’t act like a teenage hater, badmouthing the other parent for dating someone else.  If you weren’t so bitter and unpleasant you’d be dating someone else too–in fact, despite your childish behavior you probably ARE seeing someone and keeping it a secret.  Just don’t be a jerk and cause conflict for your child.
6. Show up for your scheduled, promised times and events. Non-custodial parents:  If you’re dating someone new, the best way to insure that your child will hate the new person is if you start flaking out on quality time–especially if you’re the “weekends only” parent. You are a PARENT FIRST, and your new mate must understand that and be willing to sacrifice for the good of your family.
7. Show up ALONE (unless previously discussed and agreed upon).  Non-custodial parents: Children don’t like to share.  I don’t care how nice they are, children especially do not like sharing their parents’ time and attention.  If you just show up with another person in tow without notice, it will end up bad.  Even if your child is mild-mannered, she will find a way to make you pay for the encroachment on her time.
8. Don’t be nosy.   If you want to find out all about the “new lady that Dad is seeing”, ask Dad.  If you are interested in finding out how rich Mom‘s “new friend” is, ask Mom.  Don’t waste your child’s time playing Inspector Gadget–your kids want your questions to be about them.  A child is already having a rough time accepting the changes.  He doesn’t want to spend time rehashing what could be a very painful situation.
9.  Expect RESISTANCE.  Nobody likes change.  Remember how you felt when our Facebook pages changed a few weeks ago?  Irritated.  Frustrated.  Well, you are introducing a new person into your child’s life and routine–MAJOR DISRUPTION.  Your child is going to fight back; be prepared to be patient, understanding but firm and a peacemaker at all times.  It will pass (unless you have a horrible dating history, love wife beaters and losers or change partners like most folks change underwear.  In which case, you DESERVE the hell you get from your kid).

You should always be on your child’s team.  Whether you want to or not, considering your child throughout the process of dating is a must.  Otherwise, you could end of losing in love and in family, too.

The True Love Story of Delmar and Lisa Gore

The Year was 1988 and I was in the 7th grade for the second time. There was this young bull, (well let’s just call him David) who looked like the OLD Michael Jackson (Jackson 5 Mike). He wanted to become my boyfriend (whatever that meant back then). Even though I was so-called in love with this other dude that wouldn’t give me the time of day, I said, “Yeah” to David being my boyfriend.

David had this little buddy (best friend) named Delmar, who happened to be the blackest boy I’d ever seen. He was the color of that real fat strong unbreakable plastic comb that you may have sometimes gotten hit with as a child. He was short, and had a forehead for days! Let’s just say that in the 80’s, he wasn’t what was happening. Light skinned guys ruled then. I can remember him always being around in the two months David and I were so-called together.

After maybe a peck of a kiss, David and I were done. We were so young and I was still sacred of going all the way. I remember going to Delmar’s house a few times looking for David, and I can remember playing and kidding around here and there. But I didn’t have as many memories as he had. He told me stories of him coming over my house through the years, and how he knew both of my cousins that I grew up with. Also, he remembers always seeing me at the neighborhood playground. Delmar knew me very well but he must have been invisible to me because I just remembered him by our mutual friend David. Any who, that’s how we met!

Reacquainted

The year was 2001 and I was on my way home from Community College. I was on the subway going southbound. It was late because I took night classes and I was beat. Now, why was this strange man staring at me? Ok, I took my seat, and dude was still looking. I thought to myself, “Yes, I’m a little beautiful but… Hello, why are you staring, dude?” Because it was late, it caused me feel a little uncomfortable. This crazy looking dude with these big brown glasses, thick plaid flannel jacket, and scully hat was creeping me out! Then he said, “Lisa,” I looked up, and I looked, and I looked, and then I was like “ooooooooooooooooohhhh!” I couldn’t remember his name, but who could forget that face! It was Delmar Gore. I got up and sat beside him. He knew I didn’t remember his name, so, he told me, then asked what I had been up to.

“Church, school, getting my life together, you know. Walking with the Lord,” I responded.

I suggested he visit my wonderful church, and he told me he was planning to visit there anyway. That was just so funny how I’d invite him. We talked a little longer and then I got off of the train. Before I did, I told him I hoped to see him at one of our Sunday services.

When Delmar visited my church the first time, I had no idea he was there. Then, as I walked to class one day shortly after his visit, I walked smack dead into him (not literally). He had a warm hello hug for me and looked rather nice compared to how I first seen him on the subway (He was coming from work!) I gave him one of my freshly made business cards. It had details about the services I offered, my phone number, and email address. I didn’t know at that time that was the 1st way I’d win his heart, but it was. The fact that I was this go getter type woman made him want to get to know me even more.

Phone conversations were all we had at that time because our lives were rather busy with so many other things. But our friendship hit it off from the start because Delmar was also a Christian.

His next visit to the church was very enlightening. I sat close to the back so I’d see him come in, and when he did… this man shook my soul. No, really. All I heard in my head was, “THAT”S MY HUSBAND.” Yes it was me saying that, but trust me I took it to my Daddy and waited for Him to say, ” No,” as always. But He didn’t. He said wait. Yet, Lisa never waits, and as long as He didn’t say no, I was like, YEAH!!!

Although I never said, “Hey Delmar let’s be more than friends,” he picked up on a lot of my vibes. One day, after I read him this poem that I claimed to not know the date, he blurts out, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” I was so offended, but who was I fooling? Dell was way too smart. So, I played it off like, “Uhhhh, I never asked you for one.”

After some time passed, he’d be back with his daughter’s mother again. Yeah, God told me to wait; there was someone in my way (baby momma). So, I fell back on my feelings (or so I tried) and remained a true friend. You know the kind of friend that tells you you’re with the wrong person (lol).

As our friendship grew, I pursued another relationship (DAUH). Delmar was still seeing his daughter’s mother even though it didn’t feel right. We’d talk for long hours about our relationships, life, and our past. We’d talk about everything. We became such great friends that he felt guilty for talking to me while he was still seeing his daughter’s mother. Then, after about three months of getting reacquainted, he shut me off, cut me out, said gotta stop talking to you because it ain’t right. I was devastated.

When I got out of the homeless shelter, I wanted Dell to come check out my new blessing, my new low-income house. But he refused. Although we were only friends, my true feelings for Delmar were not hidden very well and he knew that I was falling for him. The scary part for him was that he was falling too. So, from May to July we were without conversation. Delmar says that not too long after we stopped talking he broke up with his girlfriend. Delmar said he kept hearing God speak to Him saying my name over and over. He also said he kept going over all of our conversations in his head and all this lead him to pursue me. I understood the scriptures that states, “A man who finds a wife finds a good thing,” but I wanted to do things in my time and not the Lords. So, I got my little feelings hurt. But what God had for me, was for me. I just needed to fall back (chill out) and be obedient. Then, there was my future husband calling me and asking when was he gonna see me!

How We Knew

Delmar and I had become best friends. Talking and sharing, laughing and building. But what made us get along so well were both of our personal relationships with The Lord. We were in agreement on what was right in life, and we had a lot of the same goals. This made it easy to have long fun conversations. We were also both in what the world would call rock bottom situations. He was in a half-way house, and I was in a Christian homeless shelter. We both had other people telling us when and where we could go. But even though we were in those situations, we were inside of God’s will. And although to others it may seem depressing, we accepted it as a blessing because we knew we should have been dead.

I prayed, and I prayed. The last thing I wanted was to be outside of God’s will for my life. I had been in relationships that I chose for myself and been with guys that I loved, yet God would always tell me to leave. I had to listen to Him regardless of what I felt and wanted. It wasn’t easy, it hurt to the point that I wanted to die at times. So, this time God was not saying no. It was a miracle. I was so unworthy of a blessing like this! So I fasted and prayed even more, (just for conformation), the answer was still the same. “Yes, just take it slow and do things my way.”

Now, I won’t lie to you, we were hard-headed children and we fell into sin. We suffered for it, and we both got down on our knees in tears and prayed for forgiveness. We knew that we were meant to be because God told me that my husband would have this certain issue in his life and we’d connect in a way that no other could. When Dell and I connected in this major way, it grew Dell’s faith 10 billion times and we were convinced. Confirmation was in full effect (our secret)! God’s total peace came over us both and we couldn’t deny that we were madly in love with each other. There was absolutely no doubt. I’m telling you no doubts, and no maybe’s, we knew that we knew.

The Engagement

July 19th 2001

“So are you my lady?”

“Yes, yes I am your lady”

It was like heaven on earth, a day I’ll never forget. Yeah my husband forgets sometimes, (well all of the time) about this anniversary, but I’ll never forget it for the rest of my life. I don’t mind that he forgets it because he never forgets our Wedding Anniversary. This day meant so much to me because I had waited (for what felt like all my life) for the day that I’d meet my husband, the man who would love me to death, inside and out. July 19, 2001 was the day it all became real. To be a wife was my dream, more than anything in life I wanted to be a wife and have a family. I use to listen to songs and long for a man to love me in such a way that He’d give his life for me (love me like Christ loved the Church). Now, here he was.
Our conversations were of marriage and how we’d build our lives. We were done with the games and we both had reached a point where settling down was our next step. We talked and we discussed things like partners and I received my engagement ring in April of 2002. Sorry, but neither one of us knows the exact date that he gave me the ring that I picked out myself. But we were engaged before the ring was placed upon my hand. Our engagement day was JULY 19th, 2001 (remember).

Throughout our relationship we had open communication. And there were no questions in regards to our next steps. God had spoken, and we heard Him loud and clear. We were to become one! I still dwell on our love and how it came to be. God didn’t have to bless me, but He did! I look at my husband and all I can do is praise God for His unconditional love, and His promises.

Saturday, July 13th, 2002

My wedding day was so much like a dream; it took me two years to grasp the fullness of my blessing. My dream was coming true and I was overwhelmed. One year and some months prior I was crying and asking God to just take the desire from me because I only wanted to desire Him. Now here I was, buying a dress and renting chairs for the park. This was really happening! My dream was coming true, and God was making it happen.

Everyone wore white except the Bride! That’s how I wanted it. This was my, I mean our wedding (lol). So I wore Lavender from head to toe. My Husband had on all white with Lavender and Purple Gators and a lavender stone button clip at his neck. The Groomsmen wore lavender ties and cover buns. My Bridesmaids wore all white with lavender accessories.

The Reception was held at Delmar’s Aunt House in the Overbrook Park Section of Philly. Very large 3 story house with a huge back yard and deck. We all had a ball but I couldn’t wait to get out of there! Ya heard! We left about 9 pm (too late) and went to the park around the corner from where I grew up and we all took pictures and laughed, etc. After that we went and checked in to the (then brand new) Lowes Hotel down town center city. It was about 1am when we checked in. With all the monetary blessings we received we could get a nice room and that was the beginning of the rest of our lives!!

My Wedding Vows

I wanted to write something from my heart that would hit Delmar’s soul in a way that only my words could. It had to be different, special and make him laugh and want to cry all at the same time. This is what I came up with:

“On this 13th day of July, I make these vows to you, I will always love you this deeply and remain forever true. When you walked into my life that day I didn’t have a clue that GOD was in the midst of blessing me and making my heart brand new. I vow to always keep you first, summit, and understand. I vow to satisfy your needs and never let go of your hand. And I vow to always know my roll and respect you as my man. So no matter what life may bring or what GOD allows us to go through, I will always be your Cotton Ball because you are my dream come true!”

In closing I want to add that these last 10 years of commitment were not easy. Some people believe that when you marry “the one” that you can’t be without; it will be a walk in the park. Well we did begin our marriage with a walk in the park but it didn’t stay that way. Marriage takes a lot of work and a lot of prayer. But I am blessed to say I have no regrets when it comes to joining myself to my love.

Next year we will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary by having a Re-commitment Ceremony. This is going to be even better than the actual wedding in my eyes because I feel as though we have grown so much together and I love him in a much healthier way now. I always tell people, “Getting married is the easy part, staying married is the hard part.” But if you do it right, the joy is equivalent to that our giving birth to a child. I love my husband and we are so happy ever after!

Visit the couple’s website: http://www.freewebs.com/thetruelovestory

Find out more about their lives by reading “Colors of a Butterfly an Autobiography” By Lisa Gore:

**EDITOR’S NOTE: If you know someone or if you and your mate feel like you’re Couple of the Month material, send us an email at execeditor@luvandrelationships.com or CONTACT US.

Many of us have already asked and answered that question.  Our children are our most precious gift.  We are always working hard to give them more than what we had when we were growing up.  For some, that may include a stable, happy, two-parent household.  Society tells us that’s what it takes to raise, happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. Ultimately each situation is different and you have to follow your heart and what you think works best for you.  I just want to offer you a couple of things to think about…

Children Hear What You Don’t Say

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in putting children in the middle of grown folks business.  I believe that there is the truth, and there is a version of the truth that is appropriate for children.  What do I mean by that? Lil’ man doesn’t need to know that the reason he has to stay at grandma’s house four nights a week is because the grocery budget is constantly being used to support his mama’s drug addiction.  Baby girl, doesn’t need to know that papa was a rolling stone and she is no longer the baby in the family.  Some things are not meant for children.

That being said, you don’t have to always verbally tell children that their parents relationship is not working out.  They pick up on the body language and silent ques. They may never say anything out of respect for you or just based on the way they were raised, but don’t be fooled into thinking your fooling them.

As a child I remember hearing my parents arguing in their bedroom when they thought we were asleep (and let me just say that even when we didn’t understand the words, we recognized the tone).  I remember doors being slammed and looks being exchanged when they thought we weren’t looking.  I recall my father being gone for days at a time, but not even minding because it was much more peaceful without him there. My mother smiled more, we played games, and she was fun to be around when there was no tension in the air.

If you learn nothing else from this article then realize that kids see a lot more than you think they do.  If asked, most kids would rather have two happy parents that live apart, rather than two unhappy ones together.  Loving is a two-way street.  Your kids care about you as much as you do about them. Think about what advice you would give them if they were in the same boat, would you ask them to stay somewhere they were unhappy?

You Could Start To Resent the Children

I know you love them.  They may be the only people that you can truly have unconditional love for.  But when you repeatedly put your needs aside for someone else, you take a risk that after a while, you may start to resent them, and if not them, then definitely the situation.  And truth be told it’s a no-win situation.  Either you can make yourself happy, or you can make them happy.

Getting Past the Guilt

If your leaning toward making yourself happy, know that you will feel guilty about that decision. It’s not easy to put yourself first.  I have a friend who recently made a decision to separate from her husband and get a divorce.  They dated for six years, and were married for 11 years after that.  I thought they were “That Couple”. You know the one that liked each other enough to still be having hot sex four times a week.  They handled conflict like rational adults.  They took vacations as a family and alone together.  It wasn’t all easy, but they made it work.

She didn’t leave right away.  They lived together for a long time, but they went days walking past each other, not talking.  Not only did they stop making love in the bedroom, but they also stopped holding hands, kissing, and generally being affectionate in front of the children like they use to.  We would talk on the phone, and without her even saying anything, I could tell when he came into the house, or into the same room as her.  Tension radiates.

She told me they had grown apart years ago, but she always felt guilty when she thought about leaving.  She didn’t feel like it was fair to make her children pay for her unhappiness. She wasn’t being abused.  Nobody was cheating.  She didn’t feel like her life was bad enough that she could justify separating the children from their father, moving them away from their friends, and possibly changing schools.  She chose this man, she decided to have children, and she picked this life.

She didn’t feel like she deserved to be happy.  She had to work on that.  Six months after moving out the difference with her and the children is noticeable.  The children blatantly say they don’t want their parents to get back together because they see that their mom is much happier now.  In an emergency situation they will always tell you to save yourself first. You can’t do anything for your babies if you stop breathing or you’re drowning.  YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

Be the Example

I believe that all children deserve to have both parents in their lives, but that doesn’t mean that the parents need to be together.  If you can make it work, then make it work, but if you get to the point where your unhappiness is clearly visible, you need to rethink that decision.  When a family breaks up it is stressful on everyone.  However, it’s not necessarily the divorce or breakup that is the most damaging.  Instead, the damage comes from constant arguments, a lack of respect toward the other parent, limited communication, custody battles, and putting children in the middle.

Does staying for the children ever work?  Sometimes. But the best way to answer that question is to consider what kind of example are you setting, and what kind of relationship do you want them to grow up and have?  When you get that answer, you will also have the answer to your question.  I don’t want my daughter to be in a relationship where he talks to/ treats her any kind of way and she thinks that’s okay because I let her dad treat me that way.  Same thing goes for my son, I don’t want him to be the type of man that will talk or behave any kind of way with a woman because that was kind of example he had growing up.

There doesn’t have to be cheating or abuse.  You are your child’s primary role model.  You may be able to “get along” with your spouse or significant other, but would you be happy if your son or daughter was in a relationship where they just “got along”?  Or would you want them to have a relationship where they were loved and truly happy?  I said in the beginning that ultimately the choice was up to you, and it is.  Live the life you want for your children, because chances are that 20 years from now, they will probably be living the example you set.

Talking to teenagers about sex can be intimidating for both the parents and the children.  If you’re anything like me, you probably don’t want to find out that your teenage daughter is sexually active.  You want to keep her locked in that “she’s my baby” box forever.  The truth is… teenagers are having sex every day.  In fact, somebody’s teenager is having sex at this very moment.  Hopefully it isn’t yours.  It’s definitely not mine!  Mine is taking a nap, and I have the photo to prove it.  Seriously though, even if your teenager is not sexually active, it’s still a good idea to talk to them about sex.

It’s important to understand that talking to your children about sex doesn’t make them want to go out and have sex.  In fact, talking to your children about sex may lessen their curiosity.  Also, having conversations about sex can reduce the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.  Equipping your children with knowledge and resources is really the best way to develop healthy ideas about sex.

If you want to get connected with your teenager and know what is going on with them sexually and hormonally, you have to communicate with them.  Many teenagers don’t want to talk to their parents about sex because of fear of what their parents are going to say or do.  Teenagers want to be able to express their true thoughts and feelings without their parents taking over the conversation or preaching to them.  When that happens, you lose them.  They become turned off and make mental notes not to ever talk to you about sex again.  Here’s an example of a turn off:  Tina is a 16 year old high school student who went to her parents to inquire about sex because many of her friends were having sex and told her different things.  She approached her parents and said “A lot of my friends are having sex and I am curious to know what the big deal is”  Her dad looked at her mom, who in turn told Tina “You need to wait until you are married to have sex.  Sex is for adults and can lead to pregnancy and diseases if you aren’t careful.  Your friends are going to find themselves in big trouble if they keep it up.  Maybe you need to find some new friends”.  Tina immediately shut down and went to her room and told herself that she would never bring up the issue of sex with her parents again because they don’t have a clue.

When teenagers are unable to talk to their parents about sex, who do they turn to?  They turn to their friends.  I remember when I was a teenager contemplating having sex for the first time.  There was no way I was going to ask my parents anything about having sex.  My mother would have killed me if she even thought I was thinking about sex, let alone having sex.  Instead of talking to my mother, I talked to one of my sexually active friends.  I told her about the moisture I felt in my “womanly place” after a passionate French kiss with my boyfriend.  She said “girl, that means you are ready.”   She went on to tell me that the first time it was going to hurt and that I was going to bleed.  When she told me that, it scared me and I decided against trying it at that time.  Oh how I wish I had somebody to talk to about how I was feeling and what was going on with my body.   If my mother was more open and willing to listen, I am sure that I would have gone to her.

Parents should be the primary sex educators of their children and the education should be based on accurate information.  Have you heard the tale about a girl getting pregnant if she kisses a boy?  How about the one where the boy grows hair on his palms if he masturbates?  Yes, some of us were taught these things by our parents and grandparents.

If you want your teenager to be comfortable talking to you about sex, there are three things that I believe need to be in place.

You must have a decent relationship with your teen. 

When you have a pretty good relationship with your child, they feel trusted and respected by you and they know they can trust and respect you.  When you have that type of mutuality in your relationship, your teen feels safe seeking guidance and advice from you about sex.  They also feel safe sharing things of a sexual nature with.  If they ask you not to share the information with anyone, do your best to honor their request or explain to them why you are unable to honor it.

You must be open to listening and hearing their perspective.

When it comes to talking about sex, your teen needs to trust that you have an open mind and will not judge them or make them feel guilty or wrong about what they know, feel and believe.  Even if their perspective is totally different than yours, allow them to express themselves and do your best to understand where they are coming from.

You must be comfortable discussing sexuality.

Today’s teenagers have more exposure to sex than times past.  Sex is everywhere and they are paying attention.  You should be paying attention too.  Strike up general, informal conversations with your teens about sex.  Take advantage of the teachable moments.  Remember, they are looking to you to lead them.  Don’t blow your opportunities.

Talking about sex with your teen is not the easiest thing to do, but you will probably rest much easier knowing rather than wondering their thoughts, views and ideas about sex.